Silence in Speech

Pauses in speech, like silence between the notes, add more than we realise to the conversation.

In conversation, my "listening" used to be mostly just waiting for the speaker to shut up so I could talk. I needed to talk—I had problems to work out, worries I wanted reassured, emotions to feel. But now, because I write a lot, deal with my own issues and understand my life better, I have less need to verbalize every passing thought.

Many conversations are really mutual dumping sessions; each person dropping their steaming bag of toxic emotions at the feet of the other.

Since I don’t really have any ongoing frustrations or worries—if it's a problem, I do something about it—I decided to be the one who shuts up and listens. But it’s harder than quitting smoking!

If nicotine is as addictive as heroin, interrupting is as addictive as eating. It’s such a deeply ingrained old habit that I am barely aware I do it.

How to break the interruption habit:

1. Be mortified as you realize how rude you’ve been.
2. Begin to catch yourself in the act, which progresses to 
3. Noticing the urge to interrupt and stopping yourself. 

Eventually the habit dims. Like weeds under cardboard, it may take a while, but will eventually die. Be sure to reward yourself liberally. As you break your interruption habit, your listening habit will strengthen. Your conversations will deepen and become more satisfying, as will your relationships.