Quitcher Whining!

Committed vs. Uncommitted: What an interesting way to look at complaining! It was introduced to me at a communication course years ago.

Uncommitted Complaining is what you might call venting, grousing, whinging; you don’t like a thing or person, but you’re not going to do anything about it. You're uncommitted to improving the situation. Your goal is only to release your own stress.

Committed Complaining is active, positive and creative. It’s working to understand the issue, creating strategies, and evaluating outcomes. It’s about learning and growth. Committed complaining is understanding what's bothering you, gathering facts, assessing options, and talking it over if appropriate, then taking action.

My friend Julia works that way. Jules is a joy: she asks for and takes advice, installs a fix and then reports back, always including how we helped her. I love hearing of her successes, and appreciate her thanks. The best part is that we never hear of the problem again, unless it reoccurs and she is seeking a new plan. It’s incredibly refreshing to be around someone so empowered. She’s a happy person, fun to be around, not least because she doesn’t go on (and on and on) about the same damn thing. She’s no better or luckier than the rest of us; she just takes responsibility for that which is in her control.

Meanwhile another acquaintance of mine is the queen of uncommitted complaining. She complains about her husband, her kids, her car, her home and her work. When I ask her plans to fix those issues she gets mad and says she just wants to vent.

A big clue to uncommitted complaining is anger when the complainer is asked what they plan to do about their complaint. 

But why would we want to rid ourselves of stress by dumping it all over friends and family? Why would we think they would want it, or are we so selfish that we don’t care? Don’t you want better for those you love?

When you next find yourself complaining ask yourself: Am I committed to solving this problem? Am I seeking answers, approaches and plans? Am I actively seeking feedback or is this just a chance to talk about myself? If I wasn’t complaining, would I have anything else to say?

If you don’t like something, change what you can and learn to accept the rest. Remember, it's our attitude, not circumstances, that most affects our quality of life.

Have a joyful day and may all your complaints be committed ones.

The Perfection of Imperfection

I used to make mental lists of all the traits I needed to work on so that I could become perfect and thus enlightened. But what I learned is that we are loved–we are love–no matter what we do, no matter how imperfect or righteous we are.

For starters, no one likes a perfect person. We assume they’re hiding something. And it’s hard to relate to the pious. Sure, we admire them but no one invites them to parties. I used to photograph weddings and receptions, and let me tell you, everyone relaxes when the priest leaves.

If there’s one thing universal in consciousness, it’s awareness of our faults. It feels human to have faults or weaknesses. We like to work to remove or perfect them. Which is good.

But reserving loving yourself for when you are perfect is not so good. In fact, it’s the love you give yourself that often weakens those faults. Feeling more loved can lessen their frequency or impact.

Love is an inside job. We can be surrounded by people who love us, but if we don’t love ourselves, we will hardly feel their love, and certainly won’t retain it. We’re like an uninsulated house; the moment the furnace turns off, it’s cold again. We all know someone like that–someone who needs constant reassurance and praise. If we love ourselves, we don’t need externally sourced love to make us feel loved. We can be in a place of darkness and pain yet still powered by an internal well of love.

You can continue to learn and grow while loving yourself in your imperfection. In fact, often our faults point out to us where we would most like to grow. If we are impatient with our family, for example, perhaps we wish to learn patience, or maybe it’s a pointer that we need more time alone. If we gossip, maybe that’s a sign that we give too much credence to the opinions of others and need to focus more on our own life.

Instead of berating ourselves for our imperfections, a loving approach is to thank them for what they teach us, and use them as signals to growth. And to realise that both the question and the answer are within.

Here’s to the perfection of life in all its glorious imperfection!

Being Great Together

I’m great, you’re great; let’s be great together.

I meet so many people who are greater than they think. Who are under-living their lives. Who live below what they deserve and what they can accomplish. Who are not choosing to be happy.

Do you live your life as happily as you can? You can live your life as if it were already perfect. As if you were already perfect, which by the way, you are. 

Years ago, a friend of mine left her husband after he assaulted her. Reality was suddenly vastly different from her previous upper middle class lifestyle. She was almost without income, living with her infant son in a tiny apartment. She could have bemoaned her fate, but instead took a different approach. Jewel invented and hosted Oyster Nights, which consisted of us gathering at her place, wearing our fanciest clothes, and feasting on smoked oysters and Triscuits while drinking the best wine we could afford. We certainly weren’t dining at the Ritz, but our sense of abundance made us feel rich. We experienced opulence those evenings, envisioning wealth, living as if our lives were already perfect and as if we deserved it all.

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Living well is mostly in the mind. Letting go of petty obsessions frees energy and makes space for positive thoughts.

Your life is probably happier than you think. It’s a choice you can make right now. Decide you want to focus on positive aspects of life such as gratitude, abundance, and love.

Forget all those stupid grudges and little distractions. Forget fear and worry–they're only negative fantasies about the future. 

Give up gossip and rumour. In fact, give up talking about anyone not directly in the conversation. (I was shocked by how much time that frees up.)

Whenever you notice yourself being negative in thought or  communication, simply steer yourself back to positivity.

You don’t have to punish or belittle yourself; just begin noticing.

You’ll find it difficult at first, and may be shocked by how negative you are. But success will come. The more you notice and turn around negativity, the more you’ll develop the habit of positivity and service.

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Spend a couple of moments each morning planning your interior day. What’s important today – this day that you’ll never get back? What do you want to spend your energy on? What mood do you choose to be in? What are your priorities today? Who are the most important people in your world today? What do you want them to know from your heart?

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When we focus on positivity, we also free ourselves up to excel. I noticed this in taekwondo–when I focussed on positive and successful thoughts, images and conversations about my skills, I performed much better than when I used to tell myself I was no good at it.

Once I became aware of this in myself, it became blindingly obvious in others. I see so many people disempowering themselves through disorganization, self-deprecation, or simple lack of trying.

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Once you realise how happy you are, and accept that it’s ok to be happy, and are brave enough admit to happiness, you’ll see how much power you have over your life. That you pretty much can do anything, so long as you keep your focus and thoughts positive.

You have more power than you’d ever imagine. Look at what you’ve done already.

Opinions and Judgment

It takes so much trust to put oneself out there. Those of us who perform publicly or show their art know what I mean.

A big part of happiness is controlling your own life. This includes taking responsibility for deciding your worth–in other words, deciding that your value is up to you and you alone; no one else gets a say. Sure, you can solicit and accept feedback. But your life is yours and yours alone; no one else decides what is right and wrong for you.

Reaching this point is very lovely, because you no longer care what others say about you. You know when you are in integrity, and when you err; you don’t need to be guided by public opinion.

You realise the futility of trying to control others, including their opinion of you. You no longer need external validation because it’s meaningless to you.

You neither need nor expect everyone to like you or go along with your message. You know that other people like other flavours, and that’s ok with you.

Coincidentally your urge to, and participation in, gossip will decline. You’re too busy concentrating on yourself to worry about others, and you know that your opinion of them is meaningless. You’re just too involved in your own life to talk about people who aren’t present.

We often try for this independence of thought by rebelling, often as teenagers, but go too far the other way, shocking people through costume or actions, still attuned to others' perception of us. True maturity comes when we just don’t react others. The truly mature simply go about their business unconcerned about others, except to interact lovingly and be of service.

Danger Signs

Imagine a road that runs beside a canyon. There is a steep cliff to your right. Signs at the side of the road warn of the perilous cliff, but you hate those signs because they remind you of the danger, and you feel scared. To make yourself feel better, obviously the answer is not to remove the signs, but instead modify your driving, and thank your fear for reminding you to drive carefully.

Grasping that Ring and Enjoying Every Sandwich

Reminders of mortality: a beloved and lovely aunt died, a close relative and a friend each received unsettling health news, and a friend's friend died in a traffic accident.

These events can be upsetting and most of us try to avoid them, but they are golden. We need to remember that we are not here on earth forever, that life is a ride on a ferris wheel; we see some lovely sights and enjoy the sensations, but eventually the ride stops. For some of us the ride stops much sooner than we expect. So enjoy the view.

Go for the gold. Grab the brass ring. Make life your big adventure. As Warren Zevon said, enjoy every sandwich.

Warren did an interview on The Late Show with David Letterman following Zevon's having been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Letterman asked Zevon if there was anything he understood now, facing his own mortality, that he didn't before. Zevon replied, "Just how much you're supposed to enjoy every sandwich." 

Warren's is a wonderful metaphor because a sandwich is a simple, but that’s what most of our life is, simple everyday experiences. If you can enjoy those–aware of the beauty of simplicity–you will have a full life.

Let today be the day you start being happy. Let today be the day you act out your higher self. Let today be the day you start living.

Truth

Getting to our own truth is important. We know our truths, but lose them through programming and habit.

The programming starts the minute you make contact with other humans, continues through childhood and is established by adulthood. Eventually we give up or forget our truths. As we age, many of us experience times of rebellion, usually in our teenage and middle age years.

Conflict arises when our truth–that which you know in your soul, mind and gut to be true–is contradicted by those with power over us.

The wise parent of a teenager understands that the child needs to find their own truth. If this support is not given and the child does not venture to clarify or rediscover his or her own truth, their conflict can manifest in myriad ways such as addiction, abuse, depression or illness.

Your own truth is not something others can tell you. We can share our experiences, and talk about what worked and didn’t, but we can’t impose a truth on someone.

Everyone’s truth is true for them, but may be untrue or only partially true for someone else. Listening to and trusting your gut is the only skill you need: anything that rings true or feels like something you knew but had forgotten is a truth for you. It should make you happy and at peace. (Even sadness makes me happy because it’s just another face of love.) Anything that makes you feel bad, anxious or unworthy is not a truth for you.

Be open to acquiring or rediscovering truths. Test them out, reject those that don't fit. You'll develop a clear knowledge of your own personal operating instructions.

Kicking Through the Target

In taekwondo as in other target-based activities, we have a practice of “kicking through the target.” What does that mean?

The aim in kicking a target is not to just touch it, but to leave an impression. If your goal is to kick the target, your foot will touch the target and stop. You will have met your goal, but with a weak and useless kick. The real goal is not the target itself, but several inches beyond. 

I find this applies to much of life. Goalsetting is an effective approach to life, but are your goals holding you back? What if you practiced “kicking through the target” with your goals?

Here’s an example: I used to focus financial goalsetting on earning enough income to pay my living expenses with a bit left over for minor treats and luxuries. This year however, I’m kicking through the target. I aim to earn 10 times the usual amount, and using that to create a charitable trust. Even if I don’t reach the new goal, chances are I’ll end up ahead of my previous year’s smaller goal.

This is not just about setting wildly large goals. It’s more about understanding what you're really trying to achieve:

• When setting family goals, the target may be peace within the family, but is your real goal warmth, support and genuine enjoyment of each other?
• When setting charitable goals, the target may be the few hundred dollars you disburse to charities, but is your real goal sharing peace and love?
• When setting health goals, your target may be avoiding a heart attack or the flu, but is your real goal energized vibrant living?

Kicking through the target helps us understand what we're really aiming for, end ensures we bring enough power to get it. Where in your life can you kick through the target?