Be A Model (Or Just Act Like One)

Every time we go outside or interact with people, we are teaching them how to communicate, both by creating norms—how others are doing it—and by demonstrating what works (or doesn’t). 

We are ambassadors; leaders in the quest for gracious, efficient communication. Even those who don’t normally think of ourselves as leaders need to recognize our influence on the world around us. So think twice before you cut someone off in traffic or conversation, cross the street against a light, or speak with someone in public service. You're not only affecting that person, you're teaching everyone around you. Be a model. Or... just act like one.

Living With Your Mouth Shut

Donald Finkel’s book Teaching With Your Mouth Shut made a huge difference in the way I think about aging. Of all the books I’ve never read, his has been the most impactful. The phrase stuck in my mind and morphed into Living With Your Mouth Shut.

One benefit of aging is losing the fascination with your own stories. You’ve told them so many times and see the set faces and forced reactions. So you start listening, developing interest in others and their stories. That’s what I call Living with Your Mouth Shut.

Living With Your Mouth Shut is about more than just listening. It’s about being ok with peace. And pauses. It’s genuine curiosity about other people; not just holding your lips together until your chance to speak.

In my mind, living with my mouth shut entails:

• Using listening to create learning opportunities; 
• providing feedback only when asked; and 
• offering feedback that is positive, useful and actionable.

I think that being an effective listener—an important aspect of being an effective elder—means supporting others as they find their brilliance and best lives. You don‘t seek glory; it’s about helping the person you’re listening to find theirs.

Opinions and Judgment

It takes so much trust to put oneself out there. Those of us who perform publicly or show their art know what I mean.

A big part of happiness is controlling your own life. This includes taking responsibility for deciding your worth–in other words, deciding that your value is up to you and you alone; no one else gets a say. Sure, you can solicit and accept feedback. But your life is yours and yours alone; no one else decides what is right and wrong for you.

Reaching this point is very lovely, because you no longer care what others say about you. You know when you are in integrity, and when you err; you don’t need to be guided by public opinion.

You realise the futility of trying to control others, including their opinion of you. You no longer need external validation because it’s meaningless to you.

You neither need nor expect everyone to like you or go along with your message. You know that other people like other flavours, and that’s ok with you.

Coincidentally your urge to, and participation in, gossip will decline. You’re too busy concentrating on yourself to worry about others, and you know that your opinion of them is meaningless. You’re just too involved in your own life to talk about people who aren’t present.

We often try for this independence of thought by rebelling, often as teenagers, but go too far the other way, shocking people through costume or actions, still attuned to others' perception of us. True maturity comes when we just don’t react others. The truly mature simply go about their business unconcerned about others, except to interact lovingly and be of service.

Using Our Lives to Teach Others

With spiritual growth and personal awareness come a responsibility to teach others. The best way to teach the peaceful path of joy and happiness is by modeling it. As we develop peaceful living skills, we help others by demonstrating a masterful approach.

I recently read an article saying that road modeling is very effective: that when we model courtesy and self-control while driving, other drivers adopt those positive behaviours. According to the author, speeding drivers tend to slow down when more people are doing the speed limit.

A true master is equally happy to talk about their weaknesses and mistakes. It's good to remember that there's always more to learn, and anyway, seemingly perfect people make everyone uncomfortable. However, we can demonstrate the possibilities of being mostly happy, humble and peaceful.

Modelling allows you to teach without lecturing. A dear friend of mine who seems addicted to stress asks why I'm "so lucky" to not also be stressed out and running in circles. I reply that I'm conscious, not lucky—that I make conscious choices to live this way. I tell her that my "luck" stems from exercise, healthy eating and deliberate under-scheduling. That I pay attention to what goes in my mind: I avoid violent headlines and tv shows, try to avoid gossip, and focus on positive thoughts and actions. That living peacefully and lovingly is a choice.

Modelling spiritual and mindful growth supports your own practice. When you think of yourself as an example, you become more aware of your words and actions. 

Be the speed-limit-observing, courteous driver. Be the warm spirit who lets someone ahead of you at the check-out. Be an affectionate greeting for someone you appreciate. Be the loving parent who adores your child merely because they exist. Be strong for someone in turmoil. Give love to those who seem to deserve none. 

Model your goals. You’ll be amazed at how your wisdom circles back to embrace you.