Learning Skills

The secret to eternal youth? Lifelong learning! You always feel young when you’re a beginner. (It’s also a good reminder to those of us who teach, parent or supervise; learning is difficult and requires a lot of energy.)

Why do we hesitate to take on new learnings as we get older? Habit probably, but maybe more because we hate looking foolish. We’ve put a lot of years into growing older. Now that we’re finally the adults in charge, we hate to throw that dignity away.

Being taught by someone younger than the boots you're wearing is hard on the ego, as is realizing you may never master the skills they perform with ease. Flashbacks to bumbling, awkward teenagehood don’t help.

But what if we can enjoy the process of learning; of ineptitude becoming mastery?

• What if there is no rush because we know life is a process, not a race? 
• What if participating is good enough? 
• What if we know that by proudly exhibiting our incompetence we are helping experts feel even better about their skills?
• What if we knew that we were modelling, to our kids and to the world, all those values we espouse: that perfection is not mandatory and trying is what counts?

If we approach learning with this kind of thinking, we tend to accept ourselves, and enjoy the learning process. 

Learning Things the Second Time Around

“Grade Three math is easy” announces my daughter to her little sister. I smile to myself, remembering when Big Sister was in Grade Three. Grade Three math wasn’t quite so easy then.

Relearning—learning things the second time—is easier. 

I'm progressing in my taekwondo practice; at the last belt before Black Belt. In this level, we relearn all the previous curricula. Some of the belt levels were problematic for me the first time around, and I feared this level a little, worrying that the second time would be jus as difficult. But I’m pleasantly surprised to find it much easier. My body remembers the movements, if my brain doesn't.

I'm enjoying this second-time learning. I love the chance to cement my knowledge and relearn what was difficult the first time.

It makes me think what it would be like to go back and review parts of our lives, every so often. To be given the chance to relearn. 

Running After Your Goals

Today I doubled my distance and guess what, I feel great! It’s a bit of a lesson on goalsetting.

Back in the summer, when I started running regularly, twice around my local park was an achievement. Yay; I would feel so tired but happy.

Then it grew to three times around.

Now the park’s too small of a goal so I changed my route and began running to a distant park. There and back was an accomplishment, I was pooped but proud.

Last night I got the notion that I would run to the park, and beyond, for a total distance of about 9km. Could I do it?

Today I did. I ran about 6km of the route and walked the rest.

I feel great—proud of myself and physically fit.

It's interesting what adjusting your goal can do for your level of achievement. Because I feel so good it increases the likelihood of continued efforts and successes. But had I started my running career back in July with this route, I would have failed and felt bad. I would have proved to myself that I’m not a runner.

Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.

Saving Up

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.      George Bernard Shaw

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”     Erma Bombeck

When I run and do other exercise, I have noticed that I hold something back, almost never going flat out.

It’s easy to do that in life too; to hold something back.

Holding back can be related to fears of failing and of running out. If you lack faith in the universe's abundance, you won't trust it to continually provide and renew.

If I breath too heavy, I may run out of air. If I run too hard, I may run out of muscle strength. If I enjoy too much, I may run out of luck.

When I started to notice how much I hold myself back, I realised I can no longer blame others, the economy or any external condition if I feel my life is lacking something. I have to be willing to go flat out—give all I’ve got. Only then can I say that I truly tried.

To-Do Lists

In this busy, multitasking world, to-do lists help us keep our promises, reach our goals and fill our day.

To-do lists seem universal. We all make them, and we all love a completed one. They give us a sense of progress and achievement. They keep us on track and give the working day a sense of rhythm.

I noticed however, that when I added “write” to my daily to-do list, I stopped wanting to write. Writing became something I had to do.

I also realised that my to-do lists were full of crap I didn’t want to do. (Pay taxes, clean basement, do laundry) That’s why I had to put them on the list—otherwise I wouldn’t do them.

Because I hated doing those things, I would avoid them as long as possible, sometimes all day. Although I was practicing successful procrastination, I admonished myself for avoiding crap I didn’t want to do. So I decided to explore what would happen if I didn’t vacuum the house, pay the taxes or do the laundry.

I had some happy results:

• Despite my mom’s prediction, the house still stands, and when I did get around to vacuuming it was much more satisfying. 
• My accountant scolded me. I got my tax refund in December; just in time for holiday shopping.
• The laundry issue surprised me: my kids wore different clothes because their favourites were in the hamper. (The same children who can configure a Wii and fix my phone apparently can’t figure out how to turn on a washing machine.) They actually thanked me when their favourites reappeared. Hm.

This got me thinking. My old to-do lists were essentially days and days of minutia that I don’t want to do. What did I want to do? How did I want to live my life? Was there a way to make to-do lists positive, full of things we like and things we want to do?

Sure, we don’t often have to add “eat donuts” to a to-do list. (That’s more likely to show up on a don’t-do list.) But was there a way to still use to-do lists—they help my productivity and memory—but have them full of things that make me enthused and excited to start the day?

I began making lists that speak to my highest priorities. First I needed to know what my highest priorities are:

My life priorities are (in no particular order) writing, being a loving and supportive parent to my kids, earning sufficient income to support our family and even spoil them a bit, having joyful empowering relationships with friends and family, maintaining and improving my physical fitness, continued personal growth and spirit wisdom, eating well, and maintaining my physical health. There are others, but let’s work with these for our example.

Each time I look at a list item that I will add to my day, I ask if it aligns with any of those priorities. Sadly “buy Doritos” does not, but “go for a walk in the sunshine” may well fit into a couple of them. I can see that “do laundry” does too, but in a less-direct way than “play monopoly with the kids.” Even “go to my stupid job that I hate” aligns with the earning sufficient income priority. (Although if I’m working at a job that I hate, I need to put some energy into “continued personal growth and wisdom.”)

So make your list joyfully. It may contain the same words, but as you align your list items with your life priorities, you will find that you undertake each task with love and a sense of accomplishment. By taking care of your highest priorities, you will live the life you desire.

Why I Love Buddhists

Listening to a talk given by Gil Fronsdal today, he begins by saying “Test, test” into the microphone, “Is this on? Can you hear me? Does it matter..?”

More on Tailgating Idiots

If you read my recent post about Modeling, you may remember that I noted a present challenge I am working on; giving love to those who I don’t think deserve it. In the article, I wrote:

Giving love to the poor, the sick, the helpless was my earlier, and seemingly easier, work. Now I’ve advanced to trying to give love to that $%^*# in the fancy car who bullies me with dangerous tailgating. It’s black-belt curriculum for my heart!

I was reading Happier Than God today. In it Neale Donald Walsch reminds us that most of our lives is a fantasy, and that we create it through attracting what we most need in order to learn, grow and evolve.

He writes, “rest well in the awareness that you, yourself have drawn [people and events] to you, that you might fulfill life’s potential, its promise and its purpose..” (page 221)

When I think about it, this means that I attracted the $%^*# in the fancy car. How about that? The poor guy probably didn’t even want to speed…

For my own purposes, I created that scenario. Maybe it’s to practice loving those who I think are undeserving. Maybe it’s something else, something which I presently don’t understand.

This way of thinking opens a whole new window for me. It certainly removes any victimhood I have been holding onto. It puts me front and center of my own life. I create the good and I create the bad.

If you agree that thought produces the experience, then you can see that most situations are neutral until I invest them with meaning.

An example: There is a car traveling very close behind my car. Option 1–the guy is a jerk in a fancy car who thinks he’s better than me. Option 2–the woman driving just got news that her baby’s heart condition has taken a turn for the worse. She is speeding to Children’s Hospital to try to catch a last moment. Despite all her money, this woman can’t buy her child’s life. Option 3–the guy driving just got his dream car. He’s the first person in his family to have a car, to make money. He is showing off for his dad, who sits beside him terrified but terribly proud. The son’s success justifies all the sacrifices the dad made to give his children opportunities he never had.

Your response is probably something like, Option 1–curse and offer a finger; Option 2–pull out of the way and say a silent prayer for the lady, then hug your kids extra hard when you get home; and Option 3–gently remind the son to drive carefully, especially with such a powerful car, and a smile for the dad, glad to share his pride and joy.

Three different responses, two of which are heartwarming, to the same situation. Our life really does happen mostly in our head.

Using Our Lives to Teach Others

With spiritual growth and personal awareness come a responsibility to teach others. The best way to teach the peaceful path of joy and happiness is by modeling it. As we develop peaceful living skills, we help others by demonstrating a masterful approach.

I recently read an article saying that road modeling is very effective: that when we model courtesy and self-control while driving, other drivers adopt those positive behaviours. According to the author, speeding drivers tend to slow down when more people are doing the speed limit.

A true master is equally happy to talk about their weaknesses and mistakes. It's good to remember that there's always more to learn, and anyway, seemingly perfect people make everyone uncomfortable. However, we can demonstrate the possibilities of being mostly happy, humble and peaceful.

Modelling allows you to teach without lecturing. A dear friend of mine who seems addicted to stress asks why I'm "so lucky" to not also be stressed out and running in circles. I reply that I'm conscious, not lucky—that I make conscious choices to live this way. I tell her that my "luck" stems from exercise, healthy eating and deliberate under-scheduling. That I pay attention to what goes in my mind: I avoid violent headlines and tv shows, try to avoid gossip, and focus on positive thoughts and actions. That living peacefully and lovingly is a choice.

Modelling spiritual and mindful growth supports your own practice. When you think of yourself as an example, you become more aware of your words and actions. 

Be the speed-limit-observing, courteous driver. Be the warm spirit who lets someone ahead of you at the check-out. Be an affectionate greeting for someone you appreciate. Be the loving parent who adores your child merely because they exist. Be strong for someone in turmoil. Give love to those who seem to deserve none. 

Model your goals. You’ll be amazed at how your wisdom circles back to embrace you.

Dying and Miracles

Someone close to me recently experienced a sense that she might die. Physical ill-health, seemingly untreatable by medicine, brought her to a place of seeing death as a possibility.

Happily, she survived, regained her health, and wrote of what it meant to look death in the face:

When I was coughing and struggling for unlaboured air and it felt like even my heart was sore, I thought about what it would mean to die. In thinking over the possibility, I felt quite calm about it, not panicked or regretful or scared. I realized I was ok with dying, that it was part of the larger story of my life. I had what I understood to be a genuine ok-ness with the idea of dying, both soon or in future years. In the morning I felt peaceful, although still labouring for air. 

A thought came to me; if I am not afraid to die, why am I so afraid to live? Live, as with a deep interior peace—not struggling to find meaning for myself in externally imposed mores—accepting and respecting myself and others because we are created from an eternal and limitless source of profound love.

Being ok with dying is a gift—a miracle, if you will. Awareness of life's transient nature makes it all the more precious. When you're struggling to breathe, being able to draw a clear breath is a miracle. You stop looking for capital-M Miracles and start seeing the miracles all around us.

True enlightenment is finding miracles in the ordinary. If your awareness has shifted, you recognize the miracles that are right in front of you—little birds and good sandwiches; being able to breathe; standing, moving, daylight, peace...

Life is a gift. We so often look beyond the gift to what we mistakenly think are the real gifts. But this life, this sensuous existence is the primary gift. We incarnated to experience physicality. You are living up to your gift when you savour coffee, enjoy a hug, or listen to sweet birdsong. Doing so fills our wells.

Only when the well is full do we have enough to share. When our well of life is full of love, we can spread love like peanut butter all over the world. We can, by modeling happiness, surrender, acceptance and joy, teach others to find it within.

And that, I believe, is our real reason for existence.

The Little Miracles of Optimism

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. Chinese Proverb (and a great song by The Specials)

I always say that the quickest and easiest way to find happiness is to notice it. It’s not a goal or something to acquire; it’s our native state, already existing within each of us.

An easy way to develop the habit of happiness is focussing on the good that's already within your life. You can do that by repeating affirmations or paying attention to the little miracles in your life. Here’s my list of today’s little miracles:

1. Sleep. My sick daughter’s coughing kept me awake for three nights. Last night I got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep and awoke with that same joyful energy as when the baby first sleeps through the night. It’s a miracle!
2. Health. I too was a little under the weather and appreciate feeling healthy once again.
3. Being sick. It made me slow down and rest. Having my daughter home from school gave us time to do nothing together. 
4. My walking partner. Reliable as the seasons, she shows up at my doorstep with inspirational conversation and motivation to exercise on days when I'd rather stay in bed.
5. Coffee. ‘Nuff said.
6. My laptop and love of writing. Being mobile makes it possible for me to indulge almost anywhere. 
7. The weather. December in Vancouver and it’s not raining today.
8. The date. Five days until our planet starts hurtling closer to the sun, and the days get longer and warmer.
9. My dad. Had a nice conversation with him this morning.
10. Can I list coffee again? 

I find when I pay attention to the little miracles, big ones happen too. But even if they don't, focusing on what is right:

1. Makes me optimistic and open to more good. 
2. Fills my heart with abundance and gratitude. 
3. Keeps me in the present, where everything is fine. When my brain starts to catastrophize—something it loves to do—I ask myself How am I right now; what’s happening right here right now? Yes, one day I may become impoverished/develop a life-threatening illness, but am I warm and dry in this moment?

Carpe Diem
Most important, on my deathbed, or on the day that misfortune finds me, wouldn’t I be disappointed if I hadn’t enjoyed the good times? I never want to look back and recognise how much I missed through lack of appreciation. Make it a point to enjoy what you do have when you have it precisely because there are no guarantees in life.

Using Your Indicator

I was driving today and noticed the car next to and slightly ahead of me acting rather strangely. The driver was slowing, veering into my path. I finally realised that they wanted into my lane.

I wanted to tell them that if only they’d used their signal I would have happily let them in.

Maybe it never occurred to them to ask.

How often in life do we not use our signal? Using your signal is asking for assistance. It’s an indication of intent, and a request for help. How often do we neglect to ask for assistance?

How many times does it not occur to us that others will gladly help, but may not know our needs? How many times have we not asked for help, either through an unawareness that help is available or because we’ve asked before and been refused?

I feel like a queen when I let someone in. I am happy to be given the opportunity to do something good. It enhances my sense of well-being and connection to others.

To ask for help is to offer others a chance to feel that good. By letting them help you, you are giving them the opportunity to feel good about who they are, to feel connected to others and to be Queen for the day.

Teaching What We Most Need to Learn

I am not a teacher: only a fellow-traveller of whom you asked the way. I pointed ahead—ahead of myself as well as you.  George Bernard Shaw

I have spent most of my adult life striving to learn, improve and grow. I have a funny dichotomous sense of being at the same time fully enlightened and an absolute beginner.

Sometimes I am proud of my wisdom. This often happens when I re-read past articles. Did I write that? It seems so wise. Sometimes I'm surprised by the incredibly immature egotism that lives within me; by mean, selfish reactions that make me wonder if I have learned anything.

I have to admit it: I like that I don’t see myself as complete or finished. Spiritual growth and self-awareness are lifelong pursuits; I would worry if I defined myself as fully enlightened. To me it would mean that I was ignoring or not seeing something. I also think that seeing oneself as fully enlightened can create a sort of spiritual egotism, which of course is the opposite of enlightenment.

But we don’t need to go to the other extreme and see ourselves as impure or hopeless. Some people approach growth with a heavy heart because it seems such a long journey—there’s so much to do. If you see yourself as bad, or are stuck in the past, reliving things you did that were less than loving, the odds of becoming a nice person may seem impossible. You may feel that there’s too much muck to wade through emotionally before you can get to the point of moving forward in a positive manner. You might fear beginning the journey—enlightened people are so good and if you see yourself as a bad or mean person, you may lack optimism. For some reason, we tell ourselves those people can do it, but I’m not destined to. It’s like watching Circ du Soleil—yes, those are humans, but I would never be able to do that. I’m too old/fat/rigid.

When I first started practicing taekwondo, I watched the master and black belts perform. While I admired their skill, I did not see myself as ever being part of that group. But now, although far from mastery, I've been practicing for three years and am on the road. I have begun my 10,000 hours. (A popular concept is that it takes about 10,000 hours to master any skill.) Another 63 years and I’ll be there!

Enlightenment is similar in that we need to watch the masters for inspiration and leadership, while focusing on our path.

For most people, teaching accelerates learning. We learn a subject deeply when we have to teach or explain it to others. One of my taekwondo instructors told me that teaching has allowed her to completely understand it, cementing all her years of training.

So if we teach enlightenment as we learn, we will incorporate it into our lives and souls deeper and faster than simply reading about it.

I know this, and have been motivated to share my learning about life, but I felt funny presenting myself as a Wise All-Knowing teacher. But what good is learning and understanding if I don’t share it? Sure, I don’t yell at my kids anymore or shout at random drivers, but shouldn’t I also spread peace and love to the world?

A chance to explore this arrived in the form of a high-energy friend. I had been growing increasingly frustrated with her, because she tends to hijack the conversation with whatever Big Drama is going on in her life. When she’s done complaining, she says, “Oh look at the time, gotta run," leaving me holding the metaphorical bag of her stress. Her visits were emotional hit and runs.

I considered ending the friendship, but decided not to; she has a lot of great traits and essentially means well. I believe that her dramas and emotional dumping are simply products of ignorance—that she doesn't know how much she can influence her own reality. She actually has a great life and is missing it by paying attention to the negative.

My wish is for her to realize how wonderful her life is. It occurred to me that I could serve by encouraging her to notice the positive aspects of her life, and to develop awareness of how much influence we have over the quality of our lives.

The story has a happy ending. Several years later, she is calmer and focuses on the many postitive aspects of her life. I can't take credit, but like to think that we grew and learned together. 

The Miracle of the Recycling Bag

The recycling bag provided by our city, in which we put paper and cardboard for recycling, was on its last legs. A rip on its side had progressed so far that it was no longer a bag—more like a corner. I'd been complaining to myself for weeks about the city’s negligence in forcing us to work with this not-a-bag. Why hadn't it been replaced? Couldn’t they see that it was practically useless?

Today, as I was putting the recycling out, I realised that it’s more environmental not to replace the bag, but to fix it, and that I could easily staple the ripped side back together. I planned to do that this evening.

I just went out to the alley. Guess what? A shiny new bag awaited me. It’s not exactly a major miracle, but is a reminder that the universe helps us when we help ourselves.

An Efficient Life

Living an efficient life makes space for meditation, awareness and mindfulness. I think simplicity is part of the secret to happiness.

I recently moved to a smaller house. I love it! It fits like a snuggly sweater. The house is just big enough for what we need and too small for what we don’t. 

A smaller decluttered house means less emotional baggage, and more time and energy. There is space only for things we love and can use—no useless decor allowed. We kept some can’t-part-with items like the kids’ kindergarten paintings and a few treasured old toys, but mostly only items we actually use. We now look to our house for function and comfort rather than to impress ourselves or others.

It felt odd initially, but this change encourages me to actively participate in my life. A smaller space with fewer belongings means less time spent shopping, cleaning and organizing. Not spending money buying, storing and insuring unnecessary items creates budgetary space. And worrying less about how things look gives me mental energy for what really matters. In short, a bit of physical simplicity creates mental and emotional space to focus energy on our real priorities and values. 

Surrender

One of the most difficult parts of the journey of opening my heart is surrendering my will.

Surrender is not giving up free will; that would negate the point of us having free will. Surrender is giving up trying to control the journey. 

Imagine that you're in a boat and can steer it anywhere. That is free will. Some destinations will be beautiful while some are dark evil places. Where you go is your choice. To get to the places of light and love you can ask the universe for directions.

Surrender is asking for directions and then following them. So often we ask for directions but then decide we prefer another route. Maybe it seems sunnier, prettier, or more popular. Surrender is following the universe’s directions, no matter how rough the waters seem or may become. Surrendering may take us through storms and trials; we may become seasick or shipwrecked.

Surrender takes a lot of faith.

We may never understand why the universe would send us through the eye of a hurricane. We probably won’t appreciate it; certainly not at the time. We want the easy calm sunny route, the one with beautiful maidens and dolphins frolicking alongside as we sip chardonnay under azure skies. Tanning only, never burning, we laze and let deckhands do the heavy work.

No one signs up for the arctic storm, all hands lost, one surviving wretch clinging to debris praying for quick death. But when that’s acceptance—surrender—gives us equanimity and love in the face of peril.

I don’t pretend to be at that level. I complain when it rains. However, I am working my way up to it, ever so slowly. I admit that I worry about surrendering: if I open to negative experiences, will I get them? I want fun, easy and preferably attractive. I want god to understand that I prefer the sunny "opening my heart through looking at dolphins" experience. I don’t want to toughen up or challenge myself. But if a tough experience is my mission, I must accept it. I've been around long enough to know that often what seems insurmountable brings the best rewards. I've learned to trust the path. 

Secrets to Financial Happiness

We all know that money is just paper, and it’s just a symbol of energy. We all know and believe that, and yet, money seems to be one of the most popular worry topics.

Having Enough

What would it be to live a life without money worry? All my life, my goal has been to have enough money not to have to worry about it. I don't want lots, though—I have no desire to be stinking rich. I just want enough.

Enough is Personal

But how much is enough? It seems to vary: for Allie it's the amount that erases her debt and makes a down-payment on a house. Steve wants enough to support him as he follows his creative love and builds a successful art practice. For Ella, enough is the amount needed to cure her breast cancer. Cindy says that enough is what she already has.

Enough Increases with Age

I have found that as I move through my life, enough has become a larger number. When I was 27, enough was the $800 I had when I packed up my Volkswagen and moved west. A few years later, enough meant being able to fly to Australia for my brother’s wedding. The number rose sharply when I bought a house and had children, and for a few conspicuously-consumptive years, enough meant a little bit more than my friends and neighbors.

Enough is Never Enough

The problem with "enough" is that it's never enough: the more we have, the more we want. If I can afford a simple vacation, I want a fancy one; if I can feed and clothe my kids, I want them to have expensive toys and activities.

How to Have Enough
Being in a state of wanting more leads only to wanting more. No amount will fill that glass. As I matured I realized it wasn't the amount of money I had that gave me security; it was my state of mind. So I started working on ways to be content with what I have. Here are some of my practices:

1. When paying bills, I used to sigh and reach for the checkbook with a heavy heart. My electric bill, for example, is usually higher than I'd like to be. But one day I considered what my life would be like without electricity: no heat, hot water, tv, phone, laptop (ack), and worst of all, no coffee. Suddenly my utility bill seems like a bargain. Now I pay bills with appreciation and a light heart.
2. Reward yourself: give something away. Think how you feel when someone gives you a little gift. Remember that rewards aren’t necessarily financial. It can be as simple as weeding a friend’s garden, holding the door for someone or letting them go ahead of you at the supermarket. Think about "What can I give—how can I help today? What’s my contribution to the world today?"
3. I have been rich and I have been poor. When I was poor, my boyfriend and I used to have parties so that we could return the empty bottles for food money. They were good parties. Less money doesn’t have to mean less fun.
4. I think about those times when I was financially rich; I never appreciated how much I had. I was in the race to get more more more. Now I remind myself that one day I may look back at my present life and kick myself for not appreciating what I have now.
5. I get creative with decorations, gifts, activities and fitness regimes instead of just throwing money at them. We are all creative souls, and should create each day; using money is often the least creative solution. 
6. When I buy something, I ask "is this purchase worth my life?" When we work, we trade our time—our life—for money which we then spend. I often decide that an item is not worth the amount of my life it would take to earn the money to pay for it. As an added benefit I have much less stuff to store, clean, insure and get rid of.
7. When I accept paid work, I  ask myself "is the pay fair exchange for the amount of my life the work requires?"Years ago I held a job where my boss trebled my pay and gave me the team and equipment I requested, but nonetheless, I left after eight months. The stress of that environment and toxicity of his leadership damaged my mental and physical health. 
8. When I am with my kids I soak up all the love and joy here and now. No amount of money will bring back their childhood, and I’ve heard too many stories of people who missed their kids’ childhood by working too much.
9. If I want to buy something for a person, I get it there and then, no holiday necessary. It makes for fun spontaneous giving, and surprised recipients. “But it’s not my birthday” they exclaim, and you get to say “I know, but I saw this and thought of you.” Gifts can be more meaningful when they're off-calendar.
10. Always put something aside for self-indulgent splurges. If that means a chauffeured ride to your weekly massage, then good for you, but if you’re less affluent, it can be a bunch of flowers or even a candy bar. Years ago when I gave up cigarettes, I promised to spend the same amount that I had been spending on killing myself, on flowers, which are concrete reminders of the gift of a longer and healthier life.

When I focus on enjoying what I have, what I love, and what I do, I wake up each morning grounded and peaceful. Slightly excited, I plan the day’s giving, and find myself calmly trusting the universe to provide what I need. Now that's abundance.

The Gifts of Giving

I was feeling a little blue yesterday. Nothing serious, but with the potential to degrade into worry. The great thing about worry is that there's always something to worry about, even if it's only the unknowable future. Fortunately, I know how to head off a bout of worrying: not by trying to talk myself out of it—it’s important to feel what is present—but by changing my mood chemically.

I’m talking about endorphins. I knew it was time for a mood-enhancer, so I went for a run. I decided to run to the library—a practical goal, as I had books to return and a hold to pick up. 

I didn't remember placing the hold, but there it was, another library miracle—a book I needed to read, just at the right time. 29 Gifts tells the story of a woman's struggles with MS. (A little kick in the pants for me; I may have worries, but I am healthy and strong.) She tells about deciding to give gifts to others for 29 days as a way to eradicate her self-pity, and how doing so enhanced her physical health too. It's an inspirational story. 

"In giving we receive." St Francis of Assisi

I was so inspired that I now practice conscious daily giving. It’s so much fun—each morning I think about who I can give to, and visualize situations that allow me to give.

Gifts don’t need to be grandiose; in fact it’s almost better if they are humble. Here are a few simple ways to give:

• My local grocery store has coupons at the checkout that you can tear off and place with your items. Each coupon adds $2 to your purchase, which is donated to the food bank. If I can afford even one non-essential like gum or coffee, I can afford two bucks so someone can eat.
• I told some friends how much they inspire me; their story has been difficult but their honesty and quiet resilience gives me faith. 
• I encourage the efforts and complimenting the skills of fellow students in my taekwondo class. 
• I made my daughters their favorite breakfast (popovers). 
• I brought flowers to a friend who's bravely facing a big challenge.   
• In stores and on the road I let someone go ahead of me, and wait patiently when delayed. ("You're not stuck in traffic; you are traffic.")
• I give to my kids by being present and enjoying them when we’re together. This is also giving to me: I’m well aware that they grow up quickly, and soon will spend less time with me.

Giving Teaches Receiving with Grace
The flip side of giving is receiving; something I've never done with grace. I felt that receiving was weak; a sign that I wasn't good enough to take care of my own needs. However, life has recently given me the opportunity to learn to receive.

Giving can put the giver in a position of power; of being a 'magnanimous benefactor.' In reflecting on my previous attitudes, I learned that I had sought out people of lower social or financial status than me, so that I could see myself as rich, wise, or more popular. Being the receiver—knowing or having less—has helped clarify my giving. I no longer give to empower myself or to build self-esteem; I give purely because it’s fun. 

Giving Teaches Trust
In the past I’ve struggled with generosity and abundance, especially around money, but have learned the value of giving what I feel that I can least afford to share. If it’s money, food or time, I give it up. Oddly enough, it seems that the more I give, the more I get. Maybe it's because the universe abhors a vacuum, or just that I'm recognizing the fluid nature of abundance.

Giving Rewards
My sense of abundance has grown by leaps and bounds. I pay less attention to what I lack, and am more conscious of what I have: people I love, wonderful health, beautiful weather, a lovely home, and a great life. With this attitude, every day I feel like I won the lottery, without even buying a ticket. 

Kicking Through the Target

In taekwondo as in other target-based activities, we have a practice of “kicking through the target.” What does that mean?

The aim in kicking a target is not to just touch it, but to leave an impression. If your goal is to kick the target, your foot will touch the target and stop. You will have met your goal, but with a weak and useless kick. The real goal is not the target itself, but several inches beyond. 

I find this applies to much of life. Goalsetting is an effective approach to life, but are your goals holding you back? What if you practiced “kicking through the target” with your goals?

Here’s an example: I used to focus financial goalsetting on earning enough income to pay my living expenses with a bit left over for minor treats and luxuries. This year however, I’m kicking through the target. I aim to earn 10 times the usual amount, and using that to create a charitable trust. Even if I don’t reach the new goal, chances are I’ll end up ahead of my previous year’s smaller goal.

This is not just about setting wildly large goals. It’s more about understanding what you're really trying to achieve:

• When setting family goals, the target may be peace within the family, but is your real goal warmth, support and genuine enjoyment of each other?
• When setting charitable goals, the target may be the few hundred dollars you disburse to charities, but is your real goal sharing peace and love?
• When setting health goals, your target may be avoiding a heart attack or the flu, but is your real goal energized vibrant living?

Kicking through the target helps us understand what we're really aiming for, end ensures we bring enough power to get it. Where in your life can you kick through the target?

Gratitude and Abundance

Janet and I discuss our plans for when we win the lottery. The only big change she plans is insulating her house: “R-90, that’s all I want.” Although I'd like to buy a small house near water, my car, clothes and lifestyle would remain the same. 

I love realizing that I already have everything I want. (Except ginger—I’m out of ginger.) I really do have it all: a warm home, a healthy and loving family, fitness, friends, and a weird sense of humour. I have intellectual challenge, emotional growth and creative outlets. I have laughter, joy and a good appetite.

Research shows that we tend to focus on the future and what we hope to achieve. While having goals and direction can be useful, ignoring our present blessings—what we have right now—creates a continual state of not-enough or not-yet. Given that life is short, it makes sense to start accepting and appreciating our gifts of the present.

Gratitude & Generosity
I’ve been investigating my own generosity. Like most people, I am incredibly generous in my heart, but less so in my actions. I intend to be generous—when there's enough money. The problem with this kind of thinking is that there is never quite enough. There’s always one more thing to buy—that bigger, better, faster newer item I've convinced myself I need.

I want and try to be generous, but struggle with a lack of abundance. I don’t trust there to be enough, so I worry and hoard. In the winter, I worry that the heat will go out and never come back on; in the summer, I worry that we’ll run out of water. At a buffet, I try to get my meal before everyone else... and the cycle of fear and lack continues.   

One way to feel abundance is to give things away. I read an article that said by giving we create a path, like a river bed. Although the water constantly leaves (flows downstream), the river is always full. Water levels may drop, but the water keeps coming. That idea makes sense, so I decided to start trusting the flow, by acting like I have enough. I sent a check to a local charity that helps street kids and at-risk young people. Now I am a philanthropist—something I always wanted. No buildings will be named after me or parades thrown in my honor, but my little donation feels great. 

My continued abundance is a fortune to be shared. It’s not mine, in the way that the air I breathe is not mine; just there, available for whoever needs its. The added benefit is that I no longer worry about money. I take care of my money, and work to attract more, but it’s an equal relationship now; I am no longer its slave.

Here, in the midst of a snowstorm, I don’t have to go anywhere, so can enjoy the snow. I savoured my morning walk through a winter wonderland, had time to shovel my neighbors’ sidewalks, and now am cosy in warm slippers and dry clothing. I have so much. I am blessed.

Wanting: Helpful or Not?

Wanting—being in a state of desire—can be unhelpful. Wanting can mean missing your present searching for some future fantasy. Being happy where you are now is a better idea.

But wanting can be useful. Like beacons, wants can direct us to success: hunger inspires nourishment; sexuality assures reproduction; creativity feeds the spirit. Wants teach us our values and priorities. Situations, people and activities that light you up show you where to put your energies, and can direct you to your gifts and purpose.

Instead of talking yourself out of your desires, listen to them. Pursue them. Just be sure to enjoy the present. 

Avoiding Pain

Are you really living or are you just avoiding pain?

What a question—one that throws me back in my seat as I contemplate it. Other questions crowd around it, suddenly I see my life in a whole new light.

• Am I really living my life or am I just running from one rabbit-hole to another, trying to avoid being eaten? 
• If my life were a job, am I excelling or just keeping my head down to avoid being fired?
• Am I living to purpose or just trying to avert disaster? 
• Is there a plan, a goal, a charter of purpose and intent, or do I just react to what happens?
• Do I do or not do things because that's what I want or because of fear? 
• Do I buy things just because they’re cheap?
• Do I exist in inertia, waiting for better weather, the kids to grow up, or the weight to be lost? 
• Do I cut myself off from potential joy or pain, because home alone is easier than participating?
• Am I waiting to be happy?

Which of these questions resonate with you? Sit with them, let them roll around the back of your brain. Which bring up strong responses, negative or positive? 

Wealth and Abundance

Take the time to recognize your go-to worries. How does stress manifest in your brain? When you're anxious, what do you worry about?

For me, it's always been money. I've spent (ha!) much of my life in a poverty mindset, making decisions based on money; not doing things because I 'couldn't afford' to, or buying something just because it was cheap. Although I'm rich compared to most of the world, I usually felt poor.

As I learned and grew, I realized how important it was to improve my relationship with money and abundance.

First I needed to know where those habits of thought came from. I looked to my family of origin; our stories about money and our ability to acquire it. My family's philosophy about money was that it's scarce and unreliable, but will make me happy. Growing up, I had learned to judge people based on their income and property; wealth = worth. 

While it was a little painful, that look back at my family of origin was a great start. (It also answered several seemingly unrelated family issues!) Knowing what messages I internalized helps me understand what works for me now, and what doesn't.

When you're aware of what you actually believe (as opposed to old habits of thought) you can decide what to keep and what to change.

I then looked at my current relationship with money:

• How many things have I bought (or dragged home from an alley) because they were cheap (or free)? Did I really like those things—did they add to my sense of luxury—or were they merely evidence of a poverty mindset? 
• What did my life lack because of poverty thinking? 
• Where had cheapness ended up costing more than abundance? 
• Does my sense of abundance match my bank account?

What is true abundance?

I realised that true abundance is love, health, friends, family, freedom... and that my life is incredibly abundant. Money is a tool that can help us get things we want, but it's not the only method.

Does spending money make you feel wealthy or poor?
I began to ask What I would do if money weren’t the issue? That's an easy question to answer: I'd treat myself better by getting what I really wanted, not whatever's the cheapest. I'd do the work I love, not the job I think I'm supposed to want. I'd go places and do things that interest and fulfill me.

Signs of a poverty mindset:

• Buying things you don't really want because they're a 'bargain' or on sale.
• Denying yourself things or experiences because you 'can't afford' them, but spending money on coffee, gum, magazines, booze, cigarettes, junk food, or extra clothes.
• Having to buy something more than once because you got the cheapest and it wore out or broke.
• Shopping as a recreational activity (online or in-person). 

Rich Decisions
I changed my attitude. These days I buy anything I want, but only if I really want it. Really really want it. I consider purchases and am honest about what makes me happy. And you know what? I actually spend less than before. It may seem counterintuitive, but it's like the difference between eating healthy nourishing food and junk food: the good stuff satisfies while junk just leaves us wanting more. 

Silence in Speech

Pauses in speech, like silence between the notes, add more than we realise to the conversation.

In conversation, my "listening" used to be mostly just waiting for the speaker to shut up so I could talk. I needed to talk—I had problems to work out, worries I wanted reassured, emotions to feel. But now, because I write a lot, deal with my own issues and understand my life better, I have less need to verbalize every passing thought.

Many conversations are really mutual dumping sessions; each person dropping their steaming bag of toxic emotions at the feet of the other.

Since I don’t really have any ongoing frustrations or worries—if it's a problem, I do something about it—I decided to be the one who shuts up and listens. But it’s harder than quitting smoking!

If nicotine is as addictive as heroin, interrupting is as addictive as eating. It’s such a deeply ingrained old habit that I am barely aware I do it.

How to break the interruption habit:

1. Be mortified as you realize how rude you’ve been.
2. Begin to catch yourself in the act, which progresses to 
3. Noticing the urge to interrupt and stopping yourself. 

Eventually the habit dims. Like weeds under cardboard, it may take a while, but will eventually die. Be sure to reward yourself liberally. As you break your interruption habit, your listening habit will strengthen. Your conversations will deepen and become more satisfying, as will your relationships.

Miracles

I’ve been waiting for a miracle to happen—like winning the lottery or, well, winning the lottery. That’s the only miracle I await. When this miracle happens I’ll be happy; living on easy street, doing what I want. Every day will be sunny. And if it’s not, I’ll jet to a place that is.

When we put our happiness on hold, waiting for miracles, we bypass the real miracles of daily life. Each day I experience the miracles of sunshine, flowers, food, warmth, love, happiness, gentleness between strangers, buses that arrive on time, feeling fit and powerful, other people's babies, and my family’s good health.

Last night I was watching snowflakes in the moonlight at midnight... My daughter, half-asleep, stumbles by on her way to the bathroom. We watch the magic in silence, giant flakes filling a ghostly grey sky. I half-expect Santa to appear...

That's a real miracle—a simple moment I'll never forget; an experience that makes my life richer and brings me great happiness.

I feel so blessed that I notice these little miracles each day. If I'd won the lottery, I’d be in that sunny place, and would have missed watching snow at midnight.

Sometimes the miracle is already in front of us.

Appreciating my "Flaws"

I am learning to appreciate my fat. Also my wrinkles, my short-sighted eyes and my big feet. They are all part of me and I thank them.

I don’t have to like them, but I thank them for existing.

• Some say stomach fat is self-protective; I thank mine for helping me feel safe when I did not. 
• I thank my big feet for carrying me forward in life, balanced and strong. 
• I thank my wrinkles for reflecting all the times I’ve smiled and frowned; the many emotions I’ve felt in my life. The frown line reminds me to smile more.

Does Too Much Happiness Inspire Sabotage?

I am listening to a contemplation lecture, which includes long periods of silence so I can write—perfect for a writer. The talk is wonderfully deep and I am having insights and writing intuitively, almost without awareness of my fingers flying across the keyboard. Everything is in sync.

Suddenly I manufacture for myself a context in which I can feel angry, give myself over to irrational anger directed at no one in particular.

It’s as if I can’t handle all the happiness and need to slow it down by manufacturing a bad moment. FOTMH: Fear of too much happiness.

Daily Silence Retreats

Mindfulness is easy – what’s hard is remembering to do it.

I was listening to a yogi recommend silence retreats, praising the ease of not needing to interact with others as a way to allow minds to slow, breathing to relax, and awareness to deepen. He praised the lasting benefits of going on retreat.

I believe him. I’ve never been on a retreat—never had the urge. But I believe silence creates those benefits. So, what about people who don’t go to retreats; how can they add silence to their lives?

It's easy to add little moments of silence to your daily routine. Try turning off the radio, phone, and tv. Try driving in silence. At bedtime, read in silence. The little moments add up to calm and peace. Mindfulness magnifies it, and life becomes more enjoyable.

On Aging Beautifully and the Secret to Happiness: 2 lovely quotes

On Aging Beautifully

If you're beautiful when you get older, it's not a free gift. It's because your face shows qualities that are timeless—strength, kindness, dedication, wisdom, enthusiasm, and humor, intelligence, compassion.

John Cleese

The Secret to Happiness

To do something you love, to do it well, and to be recognized for it. 

George Carlin

The Way

A 13th-century Zen master said, "The place is here: The way leads everywhere."

The Challenge of Running

A challenge of running is being alone with your thoughts. No distractibility. A lot of runners wear headphones, but I choose not to. I like the meditative quality of running in silence.

I began to notice that while running, most of my thoughts were negative. They were of pain and weakness. I think this is in part what the headphones guard against: that droning negative voice.  

But when I stopped listening to my brain and began asking my body how I felt , the answer was usually “doing ok.” My body’s happy to be pushed, to work out kinks and to rejoice in its abilities.

It’s a gorgeous day, the sun is warm on my face and my clothing’s just right and comfortable. My lungs feel refreshed, both mind and body feel clear. Sometimes the struggle’s all in the mind.

Lest We Forget

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada. We thank those who gave up their lives and freedom in the service of keeping us free. I thank my grandfather and everyone’s grandmothers and grandfathers who gave their life and energy so I could be free. I thank those who never got the chance to be parents or grandparents. I hug my kids tight and gave thanks.

I celebrated—and remembered and mourned—while at home, warm and comfortable in my jammies. I imagine that those who died in the trenches would like it that way. They gave their life so I could be free and at ease; so we could all be free to live in whatever way makes us happy.

But how free are we? Do we live the possibilities made possible by the actions of those heroes? Or do we disrespect their sacrifice by wasting our lives mired in unhappiness, stuck in excuse-land?

Imagine these people looking down on us right now. What do they see? Us living our lives to the utmost? Honoring our freedom and understanding its privilege? Or are we lounging around whining that the car’s not big enough and work is too hard; that the kids are trouble and the spouse too fat? Blaming everyone and everything, committed to unhappiness.

Toni Morrison said that "the function of freedom is to free someone else." Our job as free people is to free someone else. One at a time or by the hundreds—it doesn’t matter. You can free someone physically or mentally. Freeing someone else can mean helping find their own power, or learn about love. You don’t need to proselytize or even convince. Your work can be as simple as mentoring—modeling appropriate behaviour.

Escaping a prison of the mind can be difficult, but it’s ultimately worth the effort. Enjoy your joy, minimize your sorrows, and show off your happy life! 

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Mahatma Gandhi

Housecleaning

Years ago when I got busy and felt wealthy enough, I hired a housecleaner. I didn’t like it though—I didn’t like someone else cleaning my house. I missed taking care of my home.

I love my house and I enjoy cleaning it. It’s a thanksgiving—a way of giving back. Taking care of my house satisfies me, just as taking care of my body does.

A few days ago, I wrote of loving yourself enough to get the sleep you need. This is the same kind of gratitude. The home is to the physical life as the body is to the spirit: don’t think the external causes the internal, but do take care of—and give thanks for—the external.

Do You Love Yourself Enough to Get Eight Hours of Sleep?

It’s as simple as that—do you love yourself enough to get the sleep you need? ...eat the food you need? … drink the water you need?

Does your mind treat your body kindly? The mind can be awfully mean to the body, punishing it for misdeeds perpetrated by the mind. Does your mind blame your body for: 

• Being fat because you overeat? 
• Being stiff and sore because you don't exercise or stretch?
• Yawning and dragging because you don't get enough sleep?
• Having bad skin because you eat junk food or smoke?

Being a smart reader, you're starting to get the point; the brain blames the body for things the brain has control over—like what you eat, when you go to bed, and how often you exercise. 

Stop letting your brain blame your body. You can start simple: walk a little more, eat a little better, add a few more minutes of sleep. You’ll love yourself for it.

Chotchkes, Goals and Miracles

We have too many chotchkes in our home—I can’t find a place for them all! Decorations, souvenirs, art projects. We have someone’s ticket to an Olympic event, my baby photo, a button supporting local food, and a crystal bear that I keep because it bemuses me. (I am oddly troubled by trying to decide whether it’s ugly and tacky or the cutest thing ever. The craftsmanship’s nothing special, but the love it symbolizes is everything.) I keep them because they are non-photographic snapshots of our daily lives, but they take up space and get dusty. Some days they feel cluttery.

Today I was trying to make space for two large seashells plucked off the beach in Florida when I was seven. My mother took care of them over the ensuing years, ensuring that they survived our many moves and travels. (Oh the pressure I feel now that I have them.) The shells are lovely but large and I wasn’t sure how to make everything fit. Suddenly I realised I could stand the shells on their heads instead of displaying them horizontally. They take up way less shelf space and everything fits. Ta da—problem solved.

What a life lesson: sometimes all it takes is a change of orientation. Even when you think you've tried everything, there’s often a solution that hasn’t been considered because it’s beyond your present sense of possibility.

This is the way we should work in our lives—envision a clear goal and don’t worry too much about how to get there. When you hold a goal (all this stuff has to fit on that shelf) and don’t worry about how you’ll achieve it, you make space for miracles to happen.