It all began when I started with a new job. I really (really, really) love the work and wanted to excel at the job. I was trying to be perfect.
Because I hadn't thought to prepare for the stress of starting a new job, and didn't check in with myself during the process, I was unaware of the stress, both external and from within. I didn't allow myself much latitude for making mistakes, and all instructional iterations were done with a sense of embarrassment that I'd taught so poorly the previous semester. My ratings and evaluations were very high, but that wasn't good enough. I had to be perfect, and I had to be perfect now.
You know those times when you feel like you're running too fast downhill? You can't stop but your feet can barely keep up with your momentum? That's what this was like. Too stressed, and too stressed to take care of my stress.
It's times like these that we most need awareness. We can't help ourselves if we're unable to step outside our reality—by meditating, perhaps—and see ourselves from a zoomed-out view. Seeing yourself as opposed to being yourself.
The stress was unable to bubble up to conscious thought. Without a managed release, it vented through road rage.
For the first time in a long time, I was commuting by car. The annoyances of city traffic are well-documented. They're also a lightning rod for other stress you might be having, as your overworked unconscious tries to clean house. If I'm already annoyed, why not add some more? It wants to clean out the dark corners of my psyche; get rid of some emotional crap—those bits of unresolved stress, and other shitty emotions looking for an outlet. So they all piled on top of my regular city-driving stress. (In my defense, my city is world-famous for our poor driving skills.) I became explosive, but only in the car. The rest of the time I was a peaceful, calm-loving introvert.
Once identified—in a soul-searing moment of Who the hell have I become??—tracing the behaviour to stress, and tracing the stress back to work, was easy. Once traced, the solution becomes equally easy.
- Look for problems
- Find the problem
- Find the source of the problem
- Heal the source, or heal your relationship with it
- Mental health
- Physical health
- Diet
- Exercise
- Friends
- Family
- Romance
- Fun
- Spirit
- Career
- Education
- Finances
- Home
- ________
And if you're like me—a perfectionist—you can also practice being a little nicer to yourself. With regular check-ins, and written proof that you've been putting in the appropriate amount of work, you'll be more likely to let yourself relax and enjoy life once in a while.
With that, I'm out of here to go for a paddle.
Enjoy 💚
