Gratitude and Abundance

Janet and I discuss our plans for when we win the lottery. The only big change she plans is insulating her house: “R-90, that’s all I want.” Although I'd like to buy a small house near water, my car, clothes and lifestyle would remain the same. 

I love realizing that I already have everything I want. (Except ginger—I’m out of ginger.) I really do have it all: a warm home, a healthy and loving family, fitness, friends, and a weird sense of humour. I have intellectual challenge, emotional growth and creative outlets. I have laughter, joy and a good appetite.

Research shows that we tend to focus on the future and what we hope to achieve. While having goals and direction can be useful, ignoring our present blessings—what we have right now—creates a continual state of not-enough or not-yet. Given that life is short, it makes sense to start accepting and appreciating our gifts of the present.

Gratitude & Generosity
I’ve been investigating my own generosity. Like most people, I am incredibly generous in my heart, but less so in my actions. I intend to be generous—when there's enough money. The problem with this kind of thinking is that there is never quite enough. There’s always one more thing to buy—that bigger, better, faster newer item I've convinced myself I need.

I want and try to be generous, but struggle with a lack of abundance. I don’t trust there to be enough, so I worry and hoard. In the winter, I worry that the heat will go out and never come back on; in the summer, I worry that we’ll run out of water. At a buffet, I try to get my meal before everyone else... and the cycle of fear and lack continues.   

One way to feel abundance is to give things away. I read an article that said by giving we create a path, like a river bed. Although the water constantly leaves (flows downstream), the river is always full. Water levels may drop, but the water keeps coming. That idea makes sense, so I decided to start trusting the flow, by acting like I have enough. I sent a check to a local charity that helps street kids and at-risk young people. Now I am a philanthropist—something I always wanted. No buildings will be named after me or parades thrown in my honor, but my little donation feels great. 

My continued abundance is a fortune to be shared. It’s not mine, in the way that the air I breathe is not mine; just there, available for whoever needs its. The added benefit is that I no longer worry about money. I take care of my money, and work to attract more, but it’s an equal relationship now; I am no longer its slave.

Here, in the midst of a snowstorm, I don’t have to go anywhere, so can enjoy the snow. I savoured my morning walk through a winter wonderland, had time to shovel my neighbors’ sidewalks, and now am cosy in warm slippers and dry clothing. I have so much. I am blessed.

Wanting: Helpful or Not?

Wanting—being in a state of desire—can be unhelpful. Wanting can mean missing your present searching for some future fantasy. Being happy where you are now is a better idea.

But wanting can be useful. Like beacons, wants can direct us to success: hunger inspires nourishment; sexuality assures reproduction; creativity feeds the spirit. Wants teach us our values and priorities. Situations, people and activities that light you up show you where to put your energies, and can direct you to your gifts and purpose.

Instead of talking yourself out of your desires, listen to them. Pursue them. Just be sure to enjoy the present. 

Avoiding Pain

Are you really living or are you just avoiding pain?

What a question—one that throws me back in my seat as I contemplate it. Other questions crowd around it, suddenly I see my life in a whole new light.

• Am I really living my life or am I just running from one rabbit-hole to another, trying to avoid being eaten? 
• If my life were a job, am I excelling or just keeping my head down to avoid being fired?
• Am I living to purpose or just trying to avert disaster? 
• Is there a plan, a goal, a charter of purpose and intent, or do I just react to what happens?
• Do I do or not do things because that's what I want or because of fear? 
• Do I buy things just because they’re cheap?
• Do I exist in inertia, waiting for better weather, the kids to grow up, or the weight to be lost? 
• Do I cut myself off from potential joy or pain, because home alone is easier than participating?
• Am I waiting to be happy?

Which of these questions resonate with you? Sit with them, let them roll around the back of your brain. Which bring up strong responses, negative or positive? 

Wealth and Abundance

Take the time to recognize your go-to worries. How does stress manifest in your brain? When you're anxious, what do you worry about?

For me, it's always been money. I've spent (ha!) much of my life in a poverty mindset, making decisions based on money; not doing things because I 'couldn't afford' to, or buying something just because it was cheap. Although I'm rich compared to most of the world, I usually felt poor.

As I learned and grew, I realized how important it was to improve my relationship with money and abundance.

First I needed to know where those habits of thought came from. I looked to my family of origin; our stories about money and our ability to acquire it. My family's philosophy about money was that it's scarce and unreliable, but will make me happy. Growing up, I had learned to judge people based on their income and property; wealth = worth. 

While it was a little painful, that look back at my family of origin was a great start. (It also answered several seemingly unrelated family issues!) Knowing what messages I internalized helps me understand what works for me now, and what doesn't.

When you're aware of what you actually believe (as opposed to old habits of thought) you can decide what to keep and what to change.

I then looked at my current relationship with money:

• How many things have I bought (or dragged home from an alley) because they were cheap (or free)? Did I really like those things—did they add to my sense of luxury—or were they merely evidence of a poverty mindset? 
• What did my life lack because of poverty thinking? 
• Where had cheapness ended up costing more than abundance? 
• Does my sense of abundance match my bank account?

What is true abundance?

I realised that true abundance is love, health, friends, family, freedom... and that my life is incredibly abundant. Money is a tool that can help us get things we want, but it's not the only method.

Does spending money make you feel wealthy or poor?
I began to ask What I would do if money weren’t the issue? That's an easy question to answer: I'd treat myself better by getting what I really wanted, not whatever's the cheapest. I'd do the work I love, not the job I think I'm supposed to want. I'd go places and do things that interest and fulfill me.

Signs of a poverty mindset:

• Buying things you don't really want because they're a 'bargain' or on sale.
• Denying yourself things or experiences because you 'can't afford' them, but spending money on coffee, gum, magazines, booze, cigarettes, junk food, or extra clothes.
• Having to buy something more than once because you got the cheapest and it wore out or broke.
• Shopping as a recreational activity (online or in-person). 

Rich Decisions
I changed my attitude. These days I buy anything I want, but only if I really want it. Really really want it. I consider purchases and am honest about what makes me happy. And you know what? I actually spend less than before. It may seem counterintuitive, but it's like the difference between eating healthy nourishing food and junk food: the good stuff satisfies while junk just leaves us wanting more. 

Silence in Speech

Pauses in speech, like silence between the notes, add more than we realise to the conversation.

In conversation, my "listening" used to be mostly just waiting for the speaker to shut up so I could talk. I needed to talk—I had problems to work out, worries I wanted reassured, emotions to feel. But now, because I write a lot, deal with my own issues and understand my life better, I have less need to verbalize every passing thought.

Many conversations are really mutual dumping sessions; each person dropping their steaming bag of toxic emotions at the feet of the other.

Since I don’t really have any ongoing frustrations or worries—if it's a problem, I do something about it—I decided to be the one who shuts up and listens. But it’s harder than quitting smoking!

If nicotine is as addictive as heroin, interrupting is as addictive as eating. It’s such a deeply ingrained old habit that I am barely aware I do it.

How to break the interruption habit:

1. Be mortified as you realize how rude you’ve been.
2. Begin to catch yourself in the act, which progresses to 
3. Noticing the urge to interrupt and stopping yourself. 

Eventually the habit dims. Like weeds under cardboard, it may take a while, but will eventually die. Be sure to reward yourself liberally. As you break your interruption habit, your listening habit will strengthen. Your conversations will deepen and become more satisfying, as will your relationships.

Miracles

I’ve been waiting for a miracle to happen—like winning the lottery or, well, winning the lottery. That’s the only miracle I await. When this miracle happens I’ll be happy; living on easy street, doing what I want. Every day will be sunny. And if it’s not, I’ll jet to a place that is.

When we put our happiness on hold, waiting for miracles, we bypass the real miracles of daily life. Each day I experience the miracles of sunshine, flowers, food, warmth, love, happiness, gentleness between strangers, buses that arrive on time, feeling fit and powerful, other people's babies, and my family’s good health.

Last night I was watching snowflakes in the moonlight at midnight... My daughter, half-asleep, stumbles by on her way to the bathroom. We watch the magic in silence, giant flakes filling a ghostly grey sky. I half-expect Santa to appear...

That's a real miracle—a simple moment I'll never forget; an experience that makes my life richer and brings me great happiness.

I feel so blessed that I notice these little miracles each day. If I'd won the lottery, I’d be in that sunny place, and would have missed watching snow at midnight.

Sometimes the miracle is already in front of us.

Appreciating my "Flaws"

I am learning to appreciate my fat. Also my wrinkles, my short-sighted eyes and my big feet. They are all part of me and I thank them.

I don’t have to like them, but I thank them for existing.

• Some say stomach fat is self-protective; I thank mine for helping me feel safe when I did not. 
• I thank my big feet for carrying me forward in life, balanced and strong. 
• I thank my wrinkles for reflecting all the times I’ve smiled and frowned; the many emotions I’ve felt in my life. The frown line reminds me to smile more.

Does Too Much Happiness Inspire Sabotage?

I am listening to a contemplation lecture, which includes long periods of silence so I can write—perfect for a writer. The talk is wonderfully deep and I am having insights and writing intuitively, almost without awareness of my fingers flying across the keyboard. Everything is in sync.

Suddenly I manufacture for myself a context in which I can feel angry, give myself over to irrational anger directed at no one in particular.

It’s as if I can’t handle all the happiness and need to slow it down by manufacturing a bad moment. FOTMH: Fear of too much happiness.

Daily Silence Retreats

Mindfulness is easy – what’s hard is remembering to do it.

I was listening to a yogi recommend silence retreats, praising the ease of not needing to interact with others as a way to allow minds to slow, breathing to relax, and awareness to deepen. He praised the lasting benefits of going on retreat.

I believe him. I’ve never been on a retreat—never had the urge. But I believe silence creates those benefits. So, what about people who don’t go to retreats; how can they add silence to their lives?

It's easy to add little moments of silence to your daily routine. Try turning off the radio, phone, and tv. Try driving in silence. At bedtime, read in silence. The little moments add up to calm and peace. Mindfulness magnifies it, and life becomes more enjoyable.

On Aging Beautifully and the Secret to Happiness: 2 lovely quotes

On Aging Beautifully

If you're beautiful when you get older, it's not a free gift. It's because your face shows qualities that are timeless—strength, kindness, dedication, wisdom, enthusiasm, and humor, intelligence, compassion.

John Cleese

The Secret to Happiness

To do something you love, to do it well, and to be recognized for it. 

George Carlin

The Way

A 13th-century Zen master said, "The place is here: The way leads everywhere."

The Challenge of Running

A challenge of running is being alone with your thoughts. No distractibility. A lot of runners wear headphones, but I choose not to. I like the meditative quality of running in silence.

I began to notice that while running, most of my thoughts were negative. They were of pain and weakness. I think this is in part what the headphones guard against: that droning negative voice.  

But when I stopped listening to my brain and began asking my body how I felt , the answer was usually “doing ok.” My body’s happy to be pushed, to work out kinks and to rejoice in its abilities.

It’s a gorgeous day, the sun is warm on my face and my clothing’s just right and comfortable. My lungs feel refreshed, both mind and body feel clear. Sometimes the struggle’s all in the mind.

Lest We Forget

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada. We thank those who gave up their lives and freedom in the service of keeping us free. I thank my grandfather and everyone’s grandmothers and grandfathers who gave their life and energy so I could be free. I thank those who never got the chance to be parents or grandparents. I hug my kids tight and gave thanks.

I celebrated—and remembered and mourned—while at home, warm and comfortable in my jammies. I imagine that those who died in the trenches would like it that way. They gave their life so I could be free and at ease; so we could all be free to live in whatever way makes us happy.

But how free are we? Do we live the possibilities made possible by the actions of those heroes? Or do we disrespect their sacrifice by wasting our lives mired in unhappiness, stuck in excuse-land?

Imagine these people looking down on us right now. What do they see? Us living our lives to the utmost? Honoring our freedom and understanding its privilege? Or are we lounging around whining that the car’s not big enough and work is too hard; that the kids are trouble and the spouse too fat? Blaming everyone and everything, committed to unhappiness.

Toni Morrison said that "the function of freedom is to free someone else." Our job as free people is to free someone else. One at a time or by the hundreds—it doesn’t matter. You can free someone physically or mentally. Freeing someone else can mean helping find their own power, or learn about love. You don’t need to proselytize or even convince. Your work can be as simple as mentoring—modeling appropriate behaviour.

Escaping a prison of the mind can be difficult, but it’s ultimately worth the effort. Enjoy your joy, minimize your sorrows, and show off your happy life! 

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Mahatma Gandhi

Housecleaning

Years ago when I got busy and felt wealthy enough, I hired a housecleaner. I didn’t like it though—I didn’t like someone else cleaning my house. I missed taking care of my home.

I love my house and I enjoy cleaning it. It’s a thanksgiving—a way of giving back. Taking care of my house satisfies me, just as taking care of my body does.

A few days ago, I wrote of loving yourself enough to get the sleep you need. This is the same kind of gratitude. The home is to the physical life as the body is to the spirit: don’t think the external causes the internal, but do take care of—and give thanks for—the external.

Do You Love Yourself Enough to Get Eight Hours of Sleep?

It’s as simple as that—do you love yourself enough to get the sleep you need? ...eat the food you need? … drink the water you need?

Does your mind treat your body kindly? The mind can be awfully mean to the body, punishing it for misdeeds perpetrated by the mind. Does your mind blame your body for: 

• Being fat because you overeat? 
• Being stiff and sore because you don't exercise or stretch?
• Yawning and dragging because you don't get enough sleep?
• Having bad skin because you eat junk food or smoke?

Being a smart reader, you're starting to get the point; the brain blames the body for things the brain has control over—like what you eat, when you go to bed, and how often you exercise. 

Stop letting your brain blame your body. You can start simple: walk a little more, eat a little better, add a few more minutes of sleep. You’ll love yourself for it.

Chotchkes, Goals and Miracles

We have too many chotchkes in our home—I can’t find a place for them all! Decorations, souvenirs, art projects. We have someone’s ticket to an Olympic event, my baby photo, a button supporting local food, and a crystal bear that I keep because it bemuses me. (I am oddly troubled by trying to decide whether it’s ugly and tacky or the cutest thing ever. The craftsmanship’s nothing special, but the love it symbolizes is everything.) I keep them because they are non-photographic snapshots of our daily lives, but they take up space and get dusty. Some days they feel cluttery.

Today I was trying to make space for two large seashells plucked off the beach in Florida when I was seven. My mother took care of them over the ensuing years, ensuring that they survived our many moves and travels. (Oh the pressure I feel now that I have them.) The shells are lovely but large and I wasn’t sure how to make everything fit. Suddenly I realised I could stand the shells on their heads instead of displaying them horizontally. They take up way less shelf space and everything fits. Ta da—problem solved.

What a life lesson: sometimes all it takes is a change of orientation. Even when you think you've tried everything, there’s often a solution that hasn’t been considered because it’s beyond your present sense of possibility.

This is the way we should work in our lives—envision a clear goal and don’t worry too much about how to get there. When you hold a goal (all this stuff has to fit on that shelf) and don’t worry about how you’ll achieve it, you make space for miracles to happen.