You Might Like To….

Thich Nhat Hanh gives instructions framed as “You might like to…” What a transformative concept.

Saying You might like to, instead of You have to is refreshingly respectful and helpful. He’s not telling us what to do. He trusts that the answers we find inside are the best ones, and that our choices will be good. 

You might like to… and I know you will find the way that’s best for you creates a lot of space to honour and implement our own goals and methods.  

It’s an excellent attitude to bring to friends, family, and the parenting of teenagers. Here’s what I have to offer. I hope it helps, but while I love and want the best for you, the choices are yours to make.

Living With Your Mouth Shut

Donald Finkel’s book Teaching With Your Mouth Shut made a huge difference in the way I think about aging. Of all the books I’ve never read, his has been the most impactful. The phrase stuck in my mind and morphed into Living With Your Mouth Shut.

One benefit of aging is losing the fascination with your own stories. You’ve told them so many times and see the set faces and forced reactions. So you start listening, developing interest in others and their stories. That’s what I call Living with Your Mouth Shut.

Living With Your Mouth Shut is about more than just listening. It’s about being ok with peace. And pauses. It’s genuine curiosity about other people; not just holding your lips together until your chance to speak.

In my mind, living with my mouth shut entails:

• Using listening to create learning opportunities; 
• providing feedback only when asked; and 
• offering feedback that is positive, useful and actionable.

I think that being an effective listener—an important aspect of being an effective elder—means supporting others as they find their brilliance and best lives. You don‘t seek glory; it’s about helping the person you’re listening to find theirs.

Savouring the Path

I think it’s wise to savour walking the path, and focus less on getting places. 

There are a number of ways to go through life. One is to define a goal, locate it, and get there as quickly as possible. Another way is to define the kind of path you want to take—how you wish to spend your days, rather than where you’re trying to get to.

When you savour the path of your life rather than its achievements, you get to enjoy the scenery, explore and discover, and fully inhabit your life whether or not you achieve your goals. You still have goals, but your happiness is not dependent on you achieving them. It’s a win-win situation.

Photography as a Contemplative Practice

We’re all trying to figure out who we are, what we should do and be, and what kind of work to do. We take tests on Buzzfeed and Facebook, but here’s a perhaps more accurate way to describe who you are and understand what you want.

This method is effective—it will help you recognize your passions, interests, needs and values. This method is easy. In fact it’s something you probably already do every day.

And it’s simple—just take pictures of anything you like—people, places and things that you love or find beautiful, funny or visually engaging.

Don’t worry about technical stuff—just document that moment. The photos don’t have to be great, just recognizable enough to jog your memory.

While there’s nothing shameful or hidden about these photos, they’re private; not for sharing. They’re tools to help you see yourself; like a mirror, or diary.

Take photos of people, things and places that you like, then look at them occasionally.

• In chronological order, the photos will tell you where you’ve been, like the wake behind a boat.
• Ordered by location tells you about your happy places.
• Ordered by names of people tagged in your photos tells you about your tribe.

As you scan the imagery, you’ll see that certain subjects and colors catch your eye. You'll have visual feedback on how you like to spend your time, and of what interests you. The longer you continue this practice, the more you’ll see your life’s changes and progressions throughout the photos.

Warrior or Worrier? Setting boundaries with yourself

Once you master healthy boundaries in relationships, you can transfer the skills to yourself. When you know how to set boundaries with people—for example, not allowing a boss or partner to dump their stress on you—you can then choose to set boundaries with yourself. You can learn how to refuse the stress that’s coming from ‘inside the house.’
Learning how to not dump stress on yourself lets you release the harmful habit of worry, which typically does more harm than good. Worry it interrupts your sleep, elevates physical stress responses, and incites self-limiting thoughts that can severely limit your progress.

You don't need worry as a motivator. It's absolutely possible to work towards a goal without stress, panic, or negativity. You can move toward goals with peace, purpose and gratitude. Do what you can. After all, all you can do is all you can do. Some efforts will yield spectacular results and others won't. Worrying won't help.

Try creating boundaries around your stress levels. Given that you may not be able to control the details of your life, how much stress and negativity will you add?

Turning It Over

Just to be very clear, when I use the word god, I mean it as shorthand for a higher power; the life force that imbues everyone and everything. I align with no religious philosophies or groups.

TIOTG

My practice when facing bewildering or stuck situations is to write it all down—my problems, concerns or whatever's bothering me—on a piece of paper. I fold up the paper and put it in a box. Simple, easy, fast, and allows me to carry on with my day, knowing that I have activated higher powers.

I really like Michael Neill's description of a useful approach to life: think positively as if it made a difference, and work hard as if positive thinking had no effect. So I write things down, turn it over to god (positive thinking), and get on with my day (working hard).

I certainly didn't invent this idea, but can tell you it works. I haven't yet won a lottery, but at least it gets the monkey of distracted worry off my back long enough to be somewhat productive. Even if you don't believe in higher powers, this simple act helps expend the energy we waste worrying and thinking negative (useless) thoughts.

Try it: Write down anything you feel you can't control or influence; where you're feeling powerless, stuck or frustrated. Write on a smallish piece of paper. When you've written all that bothers you (some days require several pieces), fold up the paper and put it in a box. The box can be an old shoe box under the bed, or a lovingly decorated 'worry box.' Leave those worries in there for years—you'll be amazed when you reread them. Things have a funny way of working out. Whether it's due to subconscious brain activation or magical higher powers, it's really cool how many things do turn out well.

Listening to Your Body

I awoke yesterday with a sore shoulder. It got worse throughout the morning but a lunchtime yoga session and sporadic stretching helped. By bedtime my shoulder was fine—problem solved.

It was an easy win because I paid attention and made useful interventions. But it got me thinking about how our body speaks to us. 

Physical alerts—injuries, aches or illness—remind us to check in with ourselves. The sore shoulder encouraged me to look at my posture: how I walk, sit and stand, especially when working at desks and using mobile devices. My sore shoulder reminded me to sit mindfully, take micro breaks and stretch often.

Physical alerts also remind us to check in with Spirit. A sore shoulder invites us to look at what we’re "shouldering." What are we taking on? Do we like or resent our responsibilities? Do we need to adjust any responsibilities or expectations?

Whose Life is It Anyway?

For my birthday I decided I wanted a day of luxury: that my husband would drive me to fun activities, reappear when I was done, pay, and then take me on to the next fun activity, which he'd pay for as well. I was imagining living that way—how great that would be... like a princess. Then it hit me—this is my children's life. Why do I allow my life to be full or stress, worry and recriminations, and not treat myself as well as I do my children?