Teaching What We Most Need to Learn

I am not a teacher: only a fellow-traveller of whom you asked the way. I pointed ahead—ahead of myself as well as you.  George Bernard Shaw

I have spent most of my adult life striving to learn, improve and grow. I have a funny dichotomous sense of being at the same time fully enlightened and an absolute beginner.

Sometimes I am proud of my wisdom. This often happens when I re-read past articles. Did I write that? It seems so wise. Sometimes I'm surprised by the incredibly immature egotism that lives within me; by mean, selfish reactions that make me wonder if I have learned anything.

I have to admit it: I like that I don’t see myself as complete or finished. Spiritual growth and self-awareness are lifelong pursuits; I would worry if I defined myself as fully enlightened. To me it would mean that I was ignoring or not seeing something. I also think that seeing oneself as fully enlightened can create a sort of spiritual egotism, which of course is the opposite of enlightenment.

But we don’t need to go to the other extreme and see ourselves as impure or hopeless. Some people approach growth with a heavy heart because it seems such a long journey—there’s so much to do. If you see yourself as bad, or are stuck in the past, reliving things you did that were less than loving, the odds of becoming a nice person may seem impossible. You may feel that there’s too much muck to wade through emotionally before you can get to the point of moving forward in a positive manner. You might fear beginning the journey—enlightened people are so good and if you see yourself as a bad or mean person, you may lack optimism. For some reason, we tell ourselves those people can do it, but I’m not destined to. It’s like watching Circ du Soleil—yes, those are humans, but I would never be able to do that. I’m too old/fat/rigid.

When I first started practicing taekwondo, I watched the master and black belts perform. While I admired their skill, I did not see myself as ever being part of that group. But now, although far from mastery, I've been practicing for three years and am on the road. I have begun my 10,000 hours. (A popular concept is that it takes about 10,000 hours to master any skill.) Another 63 years and I’ll be there!

Enlightenment is similar in that we need to watch the masters for inspiration and leadership, while focusing on our path.

For most people, teaching accelerates learning. We learn a subject deeply when we have to teach or explain it to others. One of my taekwondo instructors told me that teaching has allowed her to completely understand it, cementing all her years of training.

So if we teach enlightenment as we learn, we will incorporate it into our lives and souls deeper and faster than simply reading about it.

I know this, and have been motivated to share my learning about life, but I felt funny presenting myself as a Wise All-Knowing teacher. But what good is learning and understanding if I don’t share it? Sure, I don’t yell at my kids anymore or shout at random drivers, but shouldn’t I also spread peace and love to the world?

A chance to explore this arrived in the form of a high-energy friend. I had been growing increasingly frustrated with her, because she tends to hijack the conversation with whatever Big Drama is going on in her life. When she’s done complaining, she says, “Oh look at the time, gotta run," leaving me holding the metaphorical bag of her stress. Her visits were emotional hit and runs.

I considered ending the friendship, but decided not to; she has a lot of great traits and essentially means well. I believe that her dramas and emotional dumping are simply products of ignorance—that she doesn't know how much she can influence her own reality. She actually has a great life and is missing it by paying attention to the negative.

My wish is for her to realize how wonderful her life is. It occurred to me that I could serve by encouraging her to notice the positive aspects of her life, and to develop awareness of how much influence we have over the quality of our lives.

The story has a happy ending. Several years later, she is calmer and focuses on the many postitive aspects of her life. I can't take credit, but like to think that we grew and learned together. 

The Miracle of the Recycling Bag

The recycling bag provided by our city, in which we put paper and cardboard for recycling, was on its last legs. A rip on its side had progressed so far that it was no longer a bag—more like a corner. I'd been complaining to myself for weeks about the city’s negligence in forcing us to work with this not-a-bag. Why hadn't it been replaced? Couldn’t they see that it was practically useless?

Today, as I was putting the recycling out, I realised that it’s more environmental not to replace the bag, but to fix it, and that I could easily staple the ripped side back together. I planned to do that this evening.

I just went out to the alley. Guess what? A shiny new bag awaited me. It’s not exactly a major miracle, but is a reminder that the universe helps us when we help ourselves.

An Efficient Life

Living an efficient life makes space for meditation, awareness and mindfulness. I think simplicity is part of the secret to happiness.

I recently moved to a smaller house. I love it! It fits like a snuggly sweater. The house is just big enough for what we need and too small for what we don’t. 

A smaller decluttered house means less emotional baggage, and more time and energy. There is space only for things we love and can use—no useless decor allowed. We kept some can’t-part-with items like the kids’ kindergarten paintings and a few treasured old toys, but mostly only items we actually use. We now look to our house for function and comfort rather than to impress ourselves or others.

It felt odd initially, but this change encourages me to actively participate in my life. A smaller space with fewer belongings means less time spent shopping, cleaning and organizing. Not spending money buying, storing and insuring unnecessary items creates budgetary space. And worrying less about how things look gives me mental energy for what really matters. In short, a bit of physical simplicity creates mental and emotional space to focus energy on our real priorities and values. 

Surrender

One of the most difficult parts of the journey of opening my heart is surrendering my will.

Surrender is not giving up free will; that would negate the point of us having free will. Surrender is giving up trying to control the journey. 

Imagine that you're in a boat and can steer it anywhere. That is free will. Some destinations will be beautiful while some are dark evil places. Where you go is your choice. To get to the places of light and love you can ask the universe for directions.

Surrender is asking for directions and then following them. So often we ask for directions but then decide we prefer another route. Maybe it seems sunnier, prettier, or more popular. Surrender is following the universe’s directions, no matter how rough the waters seem or may become. Surrendering may take us through storms and trials; we may become seasick or shipwrecked.

Surrender takes a lot of faith.

We may never understand why the universe would send us through the eye of a hurricane. We probably won’t appreciate it; certainly not at the time. We want the easy calm sunny route, the one with beautiful maidens and dolphins frolicking alongside as we sip chardonnay under azure skies. Tanning only, never burning, we laze and let deckhands do the heavy work.

No one signs up for the arctic storm, all hands lost, one surviving wretch clinging to debris praying for quick death. But when that’s acceptance—surrender—gives us equanimity and love in the face of peril.

I don’t pretend to be at that level. I complain when it rains. However, I am working my way up to it, ever so slowly. I admit that I worry about surrendering: if I open to negative experiences, will I get them? I want fun, easy and preferably attractive. I want god to understand that I prefer the sunny "opening my heart through looking at dolphins" experience. I don’t want to toughen up or challenge myself. But if a tough experience is my mission, I must accept it. I've been around long enough to know that often what seems insurmountable brings the best rewards. I've learned to trust the path. 

Secrets to Financial Happiness

We all know that money is just paper, and it’s just a symbol of energy. We all know and believe that, and yet, money seems to be one of the most popular worry topics.

Having Enough

What would it be to live a life without money worry? All my life, my goal has been to have enough money not to have to worry about it. I don't want lots, though—I have no desire to be stinking rich. I just want enough.

Enough is Personal

But how much is enough? It seems to vary: for Allie it's the amount that erases her debt and makes a down-payment on a house. Steve wants enough to support him as he follows his creative love and builds a successful art practice. For Ella, enough is the amount needed to cure her breast cancer. Cindy says that enough is what she already has.

Enough Increases with Age

I have found that as I move through my life, enough has become a larger number. When I was 27, enough was the $800 I had when I packed up my Volkswagen and moved west. A few years later, enough meant being able to fly to Australia for my brother’s wedding. The number rose sharply when I bought a house and had children, and for a few conspicuously-consumptive years, enough meant a little bit more than my friends and neighbors.

Enough is Never Enough

The problem with "enough" is that it's never enough: the more we have, the more we want. If I can afford a simple vacation, I want a fancy one; if I can feed and clothe my kids, I want them to have expensive toys and activities.

How to Have Enough
Being in a state of wanting more leads only to wanting more. No amount will fill that glass. As I matured I realized it wasn't the amount of money I had that gave me security; it was my state of mind. So I started working on ways to be content with what I have. Here are some of my practices:

1. When paying bills, I used to sigh and reach for the checkbook with a heavy heart. My electric bill, for example, is usually higher than I'd like to be. But one day I considered what my life would be like without electricity: no heat, hot water, tv, phone, laptop (ack), and worst of all, no coffee. Suddenly my utility bill seems like a bargain. Now I pay bills with appreciation and a light heart.
2. Reward yourself: give something away. Think how you feel when someone gives you a little gift. Remember that rewards aren’t necessarily financial. It can be as simple as weeding a friend’s garden, holding the door for someone or letting them go ahead of you at the supermarket. Think about "What can I give—how can I help today? What’s my contribution to the world today?"
3. I have been rich and I have been poor. When I was poor, my boyfriend and I used to have parties so that we could return the empty bottles for food money. They were good parties. Less money doesn’t have to mean less fun.
4. I think about those times when I was financially rich; I never appreciated how much I had. I was in the race to get more more more. Now I remind myself that one day I may look back at my present life and kick myself for not appreciating what I have now.
5. I get creative with decorations, gifts, activities and fitness regimes instead of just throwing money at them. We are all creative souls, and should create each day; using money is often the least creative solution. 
6. When I buy something, I ask "is this purchase worth my life?" When we work, we trade our time—our life—for money which we then spend. I often decide that an item is not worth the amount of my life it would take to earn the money to pay for it. As an added benefit I have much less stuff to store, clean, insure and get rid of.
7. When I accept paid work, I  ask myself "is the pay fair exchange for the amount of my life the work requires?"Years ago I held a job where my boss trebled my pay and gave me the team and equipment I requested, but nonetheless, I left after eight months. The stress of that environment and toxicity of his leadership damaged my mental and physical health. 
8. When I am with my kids I soak up all the love and joy here and now. No amount of money will bring back their childhood, and I’ve heard too many stories of people who missed their kids’ childhood by working too much.
9. If I want to buy something for a person, I get it there and then, no holiday necessary. It makes for fun spontaneous giving, and surprised recipients. “But it’s not my birthday” they exclaim, and you get to say “I know, but I saw this and thought of you.” Gifts can be more meaningful when they're off-calendar.
10. Always put something aside for self-indulgent splurges. If that means a chauffeured ride to your weekly massage, then good for you, but if you’re less affluent, it can be a bunch of flowers or even a candy bar. Years ago when I gave up cigarettes, I promised to spend the same amount that I had been spending on killing myself, on flowers, which are concrete reminders of the gift of a longer and healthier life.

When I focus on enjoying what I have, what I love, and what I do, I wake up each morning grounded and peaceful. Slightly excited, I plan the day’s giving, and find myself calmly trusting the universe to provide what I need. Now that's abundance.

The Gifts of Giving

I was feeling a little blue yesterday. Nothing serious, but with the potential to degrade into worry. The great thing about worry is that there's always something to worry about, even if it's only the unknowable future. Fortunately, I know how to head off a bout of worrying: not by trying to talk myself out of it—it’s important to feel what is present—but by changing my mood chemically.

I’m talking about endorphins. I knew it was time for a mood-enhancer, so I went for a run. I decided to run to the library—a practical goal, as I had books to return and a hold to pick up. 

I didn't remember placing the hold, but there it was, another library miracle—a book I needed to read, just at the right time. 29 Gifts tells the story of a woman's struggles with MS. (A little kick in the pants for me; I may have worries, but I am healthy and strong.) She tells about deciding to give gifts to others for 29 days as a way to eradicate her self-pity, and how doing so enhanced her physical health too. It's an inspirational story. 

"In giving we receive." St Francis of Assisi

I was so inspired that I now practice conscious daily giving. It’s so much fun—each morning I think about who I can give to, and visualize situations that allow me to give.

Gifts don’t need to be grandiose; in fact it’s almost better if they are humble. Here are a few simple ways to give:

• My local grocery store has coupons at the checkout that you can tear off and place with your items. Each coupon adds $2 to your purchase, which is donated to the food bank. If I can afford even one non-essential like gum or coffee, I can afford two bucks so someone can eat.
• I told some friends how much they inspire me; their story has been difficult but their honesty and quiet resilience gives me faith. 
• I encourage the efforts and complimenting the skills of fellow students in my taekwondo class. 
• I made my daughters their favorite breakfast (popovers). 
• I brought flowers to a friend who's bravely facing a big challenge.   
• In stores and on the road I let someone go ahead of me, and wait patiently when delayed. ("You're not stuck in traffic; you are traffic.")
• I give to my kids by being present and enjoying them when we’re together. This is also giving to me: I’m well aware that they grow up quickly, and soon will spend less time with me.

Giving Teaches Receiving with Grace
The flip side of giving is receiving; something I've never done with grace. I felt that receiving was weak; a sign that I wasn't good enough to take care of my own needs. However, life has recently given me the opportunity to learn to receive.

Giving can put the giver in a position of power; of being a 'magnanimous benefactor.' In reflecting on my previous attitudes, I learned that I had sought out people of lower social or financial status than me, so that I could see myself as rich, wise, or more popular. Being the receiver—knowing or having less—has helped clarify my giving. I no longer give to empower myself or to build self-esteem; I give purely because it’s fun. 

Giving Teaches Trust
In the past I’ve struggled with generosity and abundance, especially around money, but have learned the value of giving what I feel that I can least afford to share. If it’s money, food or time, I give it up. Oddly enough, it seems that the more I give, the more I get. Maybe it's because the universe abhors a vacuum, or just that I'm recognizing the fluid nature of abundance.

Giving Rewards
My sense of abundance has grown by leaps and bounds. I pay less attention to what I lack, and am more conscious of what I have: people I love, wonderful health, beautiful weather, a lovely home, and a great life. With this attitude, every day I feel like I won the lottery, without even buying a ticket. 

Kicking Through the Target

In taekwondo as in other target-based activities, we have a practice of “kicking through the target.” What does that mean?

The aim in kicking a target is not to just touch it, but to leave an impression. If your goal is to kick the target, your foot will touch the target and stop. You will have met your goal, but with a weak and useless kick. The real goal is not the target itself, but several inches beyond. 

I find this applies to much of life. Goalsetting is an effective approach to life, but are your goals holding you back? What if you practiced “kicking through the target” with your goals?

Here’s an example: I used to focus financial goalsetting on earning enough income to pay my living expenses with a bit left over for minor treats and luxuries. This year however, I’m kicking through the target. I aim to earn 10 times the usual amount, and using that to create a charitable trust. Even if I don’t reach the new goal, chances are I’ll end up ahead of my previous year’s smaller goal.

This is not just about setting wildly large goals. It’s more about understanding what you're really trying to achieve:

• When setting family goals, the target may be peace within the family, but is your real goal warmth, support and genuine enjoyment of each other?
• When setting charitable goals, the target may be the few hundred dollars you disburse to charities, but is your real goal sharing peace and love?
• When setting health goals, your target may be avoiding a heart attack or the flu, but is your real goal energized vibrant living?

Kicking through the target helps us understand what we're really aiming for, end ensures we bring enough power to get it. Where in your life can you kick through the target?