Be A Model (Or Just Act Like One)

Every time we go outside or interact with people, we are teaching them how to communicate, both by creating norms—how others are doing it—and by demonstrating what works (or doesn’t). 

We are ambassadors; leaders in the quest for gracious, efficient communication. Even those who don’t normally think of ourselves as leaders need to recognize our influence on the world around us. So think twice before you cut someone off in traffic or conversation, cross the street against a light, or speak with someone in public service. You're not only affecting that person, you're teaching everyone around you. Be a model. Or... just act like one.

Walking & Joy

One of the benefits of walking the same route daily for years is observing a stroke survivor heal. I’ve seen it a few times now: shuffling at first, and with substantial support; progression to a walker, a cane and finally unassisted walking. Watching a stranger doggedly heal themselves inspires me. (And reminds me to appreciate good health.)

Halfway through today's walk, I realised that the man walking toward me was one of those people. I had seen him, day after day and month after month, drag his damaged body around the neighborhood in a slow but determined campaign for mobility. I haven't seen him for ages, but he is apparently quite healthy. As he strides toward me, he smiles and raises his hat, perhaps in thanks for all my supportive smiles over the years.

We've spoken only twice, but I feel as much joy for him as if he were my friend. Which I think he is.

You Might Like To….

Thich Nhat Hanh gives instructions framed as “You might like to…” What a transformative concept.

Saying You might like to, instead of You have to is refreshingly respectful and helpful. He’s not telling us what to do. He trusts that the answers we find inside are the best ones, and that our choices will be good. 

You might like to… and I know you will find the way that’s best for you creates a lot of space to honour and implement our own goals and methods.  

It’s an excellent attitude to bring to friends, family, and the parenting of teenagers. Here’s what I have to offer. I hope it helps, but while I love and want the best for you, the choices are yours to make.

Living With Your Mouth Shut

Donald Finkel’s book Teaching With Your Mouth Shut made a huge difference in the way I think about aging. Of all the books I’ve never read, his has been the most impactful. The phrase stuck in my mind and morphed into Living With Your Mouth Shut.

One benefit of aging is losing the fascination with your own stories. You’ve told them so many times and see the set faces and forced reactions. So you start listening, developing interest in others and their stories. That’s what I call Living with Your Mouth Shut.

Living With Your Mouth Shut is about more than just listening. It’s about being ok with peace. And pauses. It’s genuine curiosity about other people; not just holding your lips together until your chance to speak.

In my mind, living with my mouth shut entails:

• Using listening to create learning opportunities; 
• providing feedback only when asked; and 
• offering feedback that is positive, useful and actionable.

I think that being an effective listener—an important aspect of being an effective elder—means supporting others as they find their brilliance and best lives. You don‘t seek glory; it’s about helping the person you’re listening to find theirs.

Savouring the Path

I think it’s wise to savour walking the path, and focus less on getting places. 

There are a number of ways to go through life. One is to define a goal, locate it, and get there as quickly as possible. Another way is to define the kind of path you want to take—how you wish to spend your days, rather than where you’re trying to get to.

When you savour the path of your life rather than its achievements, you get to enjoy the scenery, explore and discover, and fully inhabit your life whether or not you achieve your goals. You still have goals, but your happiness is not dependent on you achieving them. It’s a win-win situation.

Photography as a Contemplative Practice

We’re all trying to figure out who we are, what we should do and be, and what kind of work to do. We take tests on Buzzfeed and Facebook, but here’s a perhaps more accurate way to describe who you are and understand what you want.

This method is effective—it will help you recognize your passions, interests, needs and values. This method is easy. In fact it’s something you probably already do every day.

And it’s simple—just take pictures of anything you like—people, places and things that you love or find beautiful, funny or visually engaging.

Don’t worry about technical stuff—just document that moment. The photos don’t have to be great, just recognizable enough to jog your memory.

While there’s nothing shameful or hidden about these photos, they’re private; not for sharing. They’re tools to help you see yourself; like a mirror, or diary.

Take photos of people, things and places that you like, then look at them occasionally.

• In chronological order, the photos will tell you where you’ve been, like the wake behind a boat.
• Ordered by location tells you about your happy places.
• Ordered by names of people tagged in your photos tells you about your tribe.

As you scan the imagery, you’ll see that certain subjects and colors catch your eye. You'll have visual feedback on how you like to spend your time, and of what interests you. The longer you continue this practice, the more you’ll see your life’s changes and progressions throughout the photos.

Warrior or Worrier? Setting boundaries with yourself

Once you master healthy boundaries in relationships, you can transfer the skills to yourself. When you know how to set boundaries with people—for example, not allowing a boss or partner to dump their stress on you—you can then choose to set boundaries with yourself. You can learn how to refuse the stress that’s coming from ‘inside the house.’
Learning how to not dump stress on yourself lets you release the harmful habit of worry, which typically does more harm than good. Worry it interrupts your sleep, elevates physical stress responses, and incites self-limiting thoughts that can severely limit your progress.

You don't need worry as a motivator. It's absolutely possible to work towards a goal without stress, panic, or negativity. You can move toward goals with peace, purpose and gratitude. Do what you can. After all, all you can do is all you can do. Some efforts will yield spectacular results and others won't. Worrying won't help.

Try creating boundaries around your stress levels. Given that you may not be able to control the details of your life, how much stress and negativity will you add?