Road Rage, Anxiety and Perfectionism

I noticed that I've been getting a bit road-ragey lately. (Other drivers: A bit?) I don't like to be that way, so I investigated where it's coming from.

It all began when I started with a new job. I really (really, really) love the work and wanted to excel at the job. I was trying to be perfect.

Because I hadn't thought to prepare for the stress of starting a new job, and didn't check in with myself during the process, I was unaware of the stress, both external and from within. I didn't allow myself much latitude for making mistakes, and all instructional iterations were done with a sense of embarrassment that I'd taught so poorly the previous semester. My ratings and evaluations were very high, but that wasn't good enough. I had to be perfect, and I had to be perfect now.

You know those times when you feel like you're running too fast downhill? You can't stop but your feet can barely keep up with your momentum? That's what this was like. Too stressed, and too stressed to take care of my stress.

It's times like these that we most need awareness. We can't help ourselves if we're unable to step outside our reality—by meditating, perhaps—and see ourselves from a zoomed-out view. Seeing yourself as opposed to being yourself.

The stress was unable to bubble up to conscious thought. Without a managed release, it vented through road rage.

For the first time in a long time, I was commuting by car. The annoyances of city traffic are well-documented. They're also a lightning rod for other stress you might be having, as your overworked unconscious tries to clean house. If I'm already annoyed, why not add some more? It wants to clean out the dark corners of my psyche; get rid of some emotional crap—those bits of unresolved stress, and other shitty emotions looking for an outlet. So they all piled on top of my regular city-driving stress. (In my defense, my city is world-famous for our poor driving skills.) I became explosive, but only in the car. The rest of the time I was a peaceful, calm-loving introvert.

Once identified—in a soul-searing moment of Who the hell have I become??—tracing the behaviour to stress, and tracing the stress back to work, was easy. Once traced, the solution becomes equally easy.

1. Look for problems
2. Find the problem
3. Find the source of the problem
4. Heal the source, or heal your relationship with it

You can use a LifeCycle sheet to help regularize your check-ins. But it can be as a simple as a scan you do, maybe in traffic!, that helps keep your life on track. It can go something like this: How are these parts of my life going?

• Mental health
• Physical health
• Diet
• Exercise
• Friends
• Family 
• Romance
• Fun
• Spirit
• Career
• Education
• Finances
• Home
• ________

And if you're like me—a perfectionist—you can also practice being a little nicer to yourself. With regular check-ins, and written proof that you've been putting in the appropriate amount of work, you'll be more likely to let yourself relax and enjoy life once in a while.
With that, I'm out of here to go for a paddle.
Enjoy 💚

What forms your reality?

Does your reality emerge from today's arrangement of the pixels on your device? In other words, do you see the world and its inhabitants through the filters created by the news and media you participate in?

I'm not saying we should ignore troubles in the rest of the world, or outside our domain. But walking around depressed that the world's going to hell in a handcart isn't useful either.

It's important to remember that your life is here, now. How present are you to the wonderful things, no matter how tiny, in your life? Let them also influence your mood and outlook.

Be A Model (Or Just Act Like One)

Every time we go outside or interact with people, we are teaching them how to communicate, both by creating norms—how others are doing it—and by demonstrating what works (or doesn’t). 

We are ambassadors; leaders in the quest for gracious, efficient communication. Even those who don’t normally think of ourselves as leaders need to recognize our influence on the world around us. So think twice before you cut someone off in traffic or conversation, cross the street against a light, or speak with someone in public service. You're not only affecting that person, you're teaching everyone around you. Be a model. Or... just act like one.

Walking & Joy

One of the benefits of walking the same route daily for years is observing a stroke survivor heal. I’ve seen it a few times now: shuffling at first, and with substantial support; progression to a walker, a cane and finally unassisted walking. Watching a stranger doggedly heal themselves inspires me. (And reminds me to appreciate good health.)

Halfway through today's walk, I realised that the man walking toward me was one of those people. I had seen him, day after day and month after month, drag his damaged body around the neighborhood in a slow but determined campaign for mobility. I haven't seen him for ages, but he is apparently quite healthy. As he strides toward me, he smiles and raises his hat, perhaps in thanks for all my supportive smiles over the years.

We've spoken only twice, but I feel as much joy for him as if he were my friend. Which I think he is.

You Might Like To….

Thich Nhat Hanh gives instructions framed as “You might like to…” What a transformative concept.

Saying You might like to, instead of You have to is refreshingly respectful and helpful. He’s not telling us what to do. He trusts that the answers we find inside are the best ones, and that our choices will be good. 

You might like to… and I know you will find the way that’s best for you creates a lot of space to honour and implement our own goals and methods.  

It’s an excellent attitude to bring to friends, family, and the parenting of teenagers. Here’s what I have to offer. I hope it helps, but while I love and want the best for you, the choices are yours to make.

Living With Your Mouth Shut

Donald Finkel’s book Teaching With Your Mouth Shut made a huge difference in the way I think about aging. Of all the books I’ve never read, his has been the most impactful. The phrase stuck in my mind and morphed into Living With Your Mouth Shut.

One benefit of aging is losing the fascination with your own stories. You’ve told them so many times and see the set faces and forced reactions. So you start listening, developing interest in others and their stories. That’s what I call Living with Your Mouth Shut.

Living With Your Mouth Shut is about more than just listening. It’s about being ok with peace. And pauses. It’s genuine curiosity about other people; not just holding your lips together until your chance to speak.

In my mind, living with my mouth shut entails:

• Using listening to create learning opportunities; 
• providing feedback only when asked; and 
• offering feedback that is positive, useful and actionable.

I think that being an effective listener—an important aspect of being an effective elder—means supporting others as they find their brilliance and best lives. You don‘t seek glory; it’s about helping the person you’re listening to find theirs.

Savouring the Path

I think it’s wise to savour walking the path, and focus less on getting places. 

There are a number of ways to go through life. One is to define a goal, locate it, and get there as quickly as possible. Another way is to define the kind of path you want to take—how you wish to spend your days, rather than where you’re trying to get to.

When you savour the path of your life rather than its achievements, you get to enjoy the scenery, explore and discover, and fully inhabit your life whether or not you achieve your goals. You still have goals, but your happiness is not dependent on you achieving them. It’s a win-win situation.